These 10 rules instill civility everywhere.
By: Melissa Thoma | 08/27/2009
Wouldn’t it be great if our partner were perfect? If he or she behaved according to plan and met our needs while eliminating annoying habits and getting more charming every year? I’m pinching myself now–back to reality after staring dreamily out of my office window.
Let’s be honest: Some of the behavior we exhibit at home would get us fired or sued at work. We understand that in business it’s necessary to measure our words and guard our actions–otherwise the wheels fall off. Why aren’t we willing to demonstrate similar restraint in our personal relationships? After all, business etiquette reflects our understanding that aggression, meanness, teasing, name-calling or sexual objectification are not OK.
Working as business partners has taught my husband Martin and me important lessons about how we temper behaviors at both home and work. While our intimate relationship enables us to be honest and direct at work, the few times we’ve stepped over the line and gotten angry with each other, we quickly saw how upsetting and damaging it was to our co-workers. We just don’t have the luxury of creating an emotional mess to clean up. Folks can’t work effectively or efficiently under that stress.
That office experience made me notice that the same thing was happening at home with our children when we lost our tempers. They were scared, stressed and confused. Do we disagree in front of the kids? You bet. But we follow the same rules we follow at work. We stay calm. We don’t shout. We listen carefully, and each allows the other to be heard. Then we start to negotiate. If it is a volatile situation, we take it offline, away from others.
I’m no Moses, but being the polite Southern girl that I am, I offer the following Golden Rules for Universally Good Behavior–at home or work.
Rule 1: Do what you say you will do. Most of us know that if we agree to a request at work or make an agreement with a client, we have to follow through. Why is it so easy (be honest) to make a promise to your partner and then let it slide? We’ve all felt the injustice, the erosion of trust and the frustration engendered when we break this golden rule. We need to treat our partners with equal respect.
Rule 2: Be on time. Sounds simple. Why don’t more people follow this one? In the working world, those who are repeatedly late earn the scorn, mistrust and disrespect of their co-workers, clients and vendors. Being on time confers respect. It says quite clearly, “You are as important to me as I am.” Is your partner’s time as important to you as your own time?
Rule 3: No name-calling. Would you call your co-worker a stupid fool? Would you even say his idea was stupid? Don’t go there with your partner. What’s damaging at work is devastating at home.
Rule 4: No yelling, please. You know you aren’t supposed to yell at work. You aren’t supposed to yell at home, either. If you lose your temper and yell at co-workers, you’ll likely be spending some time in anger-management class . . . or on the street. It’s not effective at work because it’s not effective. Period.
A corollary: This extends to the kids, too. We don’t yell at our subordinates at the office; we don’t yell at our children, either.
Rule 5: Say “please” and “thank you.” This little courtesy makes for a pleasant atmosphere. Please begin a request with “please.” Please acknowledge others’ efforts with a “thank-you.” Thank you.
Rule 6: Absolutely no electronic fights, diatribes or one-way reprimands. Notice how easy it is to shoot off a nasty e-mail, text or phone message? Don’t go there. Ever. Please. We have a policy at our office that no content that is confrontational, negative or emotionally laden will be shared by e-mail. These are face-to-face conversations. And no one is to use all caps to express herself via e-mail. Digital communication is easily mistranslated, one-way, limited-context. Save electronic communication for facts, scheduling, keeping up. Not disagreeing.
Rule 7: If it’s important, set an appointment. Really. If Martin wants to have a deep conversation with me at 6 p.m. on Friday and all I can think about is a big glass of cabernet and five hours of Friends reruns, I just tell him we need to set an appointment. And we do. We typically come to these meetings (often on Sunday afternoon) with a much better attitude and an ability to really focus on that one important thing.
Rule 8: Respect a closed door. When we encounter closed doors at work, we know that a meeting, important phone call or just concentrated effort is happening on the other side. Do we barge in? Do we yell through it? No. We just knock. Teaching our children (and partner) to tap on a closed door at home can save so much embarrassment. It’s a sign that I respect your right to a little space. So rather than barge in on you enjoying an afternoon bubble bath, I’ll ask permission to enter your space. Nice.
Rule 9: Embrace “I’m sorry.” Funny, sometimes it’s actually easier to apologize to folks we’re closest to and beg off with every excuse at work. But acknowledging a mistake and apologizing for the results it caused is necessary to the long-term health of any relationship. Saying I’m sorry when we have caused someone to feel bad, whether we meant to or not, is the civil thing to do. It runs up all kinds of brownie points and deposits in the emotional bank account. “I’m sorry” acknowledges the damage, even when there was no ill intent.
Our policy at work is that when we make a mistake, we openly share it with the client, explain what went wrong and what we did about it, and how we will adjust our processes to avoid that mistake in the future. Try this at home.
Rule 10: The Golden Rule is always the best rule. Enough said. It works at work, and it works at home.