Strengthen your relationship by negotiating to a win-win deal every single time.
By: Melissa Thoma | 06/14/2009
We approach our work relationships with the natural understanding that we’ll be assigning or receiving tasks, setting goals, giving/getting rewards and determining our future in business through the process of negotiation. But we often fail to realize the extent to which we need this skill at home with our partners or children.
I recently attended a workshop on effective business negotiations, offered by one of my clients. The seminar featured Deepak Molhotra, associate professor at the Harvard School of Business. My husband Martin and I participated in a role-play activity simulating a buy-sell negotiation for a piece of land to be developed. Our negotiation was quick, simple and straightforward. More than 100 pairs of negotiators squared off in that class. When the speaker revealed the dollar range of all the different agreements, I laughed. At either end of the spectrum, the buyer or seller could have exclaimed, “I was robbed.” But neither Martin nor I had out-negotiated the other. There were no losers in the deal, only winners.
That may not be the best way to negotiate in business. Depending on the situation, you may decide to negotiate to a clear advantage. An article on the Mind Tools website makes a good point: “Where you do not expect to deal with people ever again and you do not need their goodwill, then it may be appropriate to play hardball.” But as Molhotra pointed out, the process of negotiation is every bit as important as the outcome, because it’s how you feel at the end that will determine whether you have a future opportunity with that partner.
When it comes to negotiating with your life partner, I’d wager that you’ll be dealing with each other again, so why not determine that every negotiation should produce only winners and strengthen the relationship? Sadly, a lot of folks just want to play hardball at home. It’s rooted in the classic power struggle that comes from learning to share a life together. Couples get so caught up in claiming their space on the lifeboat that they are willing to win at each other’s expense. Only problem is, that parting shot just put a hole in the lifeboat they’re sharing.
Consider the principle of “win-win or no deal,” articulated by Stephen Covey in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. According to Covey, the first thing negotiators should do is seek to understand. For example, if your partner is likely to approach the coming duck season with, “I’m going hunting next weekend,” try to get beyond the facts to his real desires. Does he want that exact weekend or every weekend? Or does he want to guarantee that he’ll have the chance to spend some quality time with his buddies in the duck blind?
Now you can negotiate to a mutually agreeable outcome. “I want you to have some time at the club as well, but next weekend is that dance recital for Mary and I feel that you should be there in support of our children. Let’s look at the calendar and find the weekends that are good for everyone.”
It is from the basis of understanding that you can move through the components of a successful win-win agreement:
• Desired results: not the method, but the desired outcomes and goals, the “I want
to do this because . . .”
• Guidelines: the parameters we are willing to operate within. You might be willing
to give him as many as three weekends away during duck hunting season, but not
every weekend.
• Resources to help accomplish the goal. You might negotiate to invest in extra
child care during the weekends he is hunting.
• Accountability: What are our standards? You promise not to cop an attitude
as the weekend of hunting approaches. He promises to make sure his obligations to
the family are met before leaving town each Friday.
• Consequences: He recognizes that you are due some girls’ weekends after hunting
season. You recognize that this may be tough, but you made a fair negotiation.
Be honest: Have you worked out a plan with your partner that reached this level of communication? So often, we don’t get into the detail necessary to feel good about the solutions we come to in our personal relationships. What’s needed is just this level of clarity.
Over the course of our business relationship, Martin and I have had to negotiate many things, from the correct marketing strategy for a client to our annual budget allocations. We’ve found that we do best when we:
• Are extremely clear (as in, “I do not agree with your proposed plan. We need to
negotiate”).
• Set aside a specific time to negotiate.
• Are clear about our parameters. We will absolutely not settle the deal without a true
negotiated outcome.
Covey calls this approach “win-win or no deal.” Neither of us moves forward with any plan until we have agreed on that plan.
Is there tension? You bet! Are we passionate about our positions? Yeah! But we’re in the same boat, remember? It does one of us no good to win at the other’s expense. So negotiate to a win-win, remembering that the alternative is no deal. You’ll walk away the winner–and so will your partner.