Conduct ‘Courageous Conversations’ and resolve conflicts more agreeably.
By: Melissa Thoma | 09/15/2009
Conflict is part of every human relationship. Make that every kind of relationship: I just glanced up from the monitor in time to witness our black cat swipe a sharp claw and hiss angrily at our rotund and lazy gray cat, who was hogging the windowsill. And while Bad Omen (another story) bullied his way to success with Murry, the same technique is not as effective with your partner.
Martin and I will soon celebrate our 26th wedding anniversary. In that time we have engaged in more forms of conflict than I care to count–yelling, one-sided rants, lectures, bawling, note-writing, the silent treatment and late-night come-to-Jesus talks. All of these have involved varying degrees of failure. But as is often the case, our business showed us a better way to discuss our problems. And we’ve used this technique at home with similar success.
A few years ago, we hired professional leadership coach Barry Goldberg to help us develop our management team. For one year we worked individually and as a group to learn the best ways to manage as a team. Goldberg introduced a script that we lovingly named “The Courageous Conversation.” We now train the entire staff in this process, and it is the foundation for how we deal with conflict at Thoma Thoma.
Here is the process: First imperative is to ask for a mutually agreeable time to have the conversation. Let your partner know that it is of the courageous sort and the nature of the issue. For example, “Martin, I need to have a courageous conversation around the issue of forgetting to pick up our child twice in one week. When can we talk about this?”
Sometimes your partner will be ready to talk about it right then. Fine; do it. Other times he or she will prefer to regroup later. Fine; set the time. The idea is not to create a torturous period of anticipation. It is to create a “safe space” for the conversation to happen in a non-threatening manner. If the topic is a real button-pusher for your partner, it may be enough to say, “I need to have a courageous conversation,” then introduce the topic at the actual time of the conversation. Once you have a mutually agreeable time, let it go. No goading, jokes or under-the-breath muttering. Just wait for the conversation. Once you are sitting down for this discussion, begin like this: “Martin, Sam was left at school for an hour two times last week.” (Just state the facts, please).
Take a breath and share this statement, filling in the blanks: “When you [do the behavior in question], I feel [how it makes you feel] and it makes me want to [behavior you want to respond with.] What I would prefer is [insert desired behavior here.]
Continuing my example: “Martin, when you forget to pick up Sam, I feel like I can’t trust you and you don’t respect me, and it makes me want to (scream, cry, take your head off, accuse you of being uncaring and immature). What I would prefer is that you set an alarm on your phone or in your computer so you don’t forget Sam again.”
Your judgment or opinion of a bad situation will likely be very one-sided and colored by your life experiences and past hurts. Your opinion may not have value or relevance to your partner based on his or her life experience and past hurts. So framing the conversation to describe how the behavior makes you feel is less arguable. It acknowledges your reaction, without implying that the problem is anyone’s “fault.”
How you feel when someone does or says something is a fact, not a judgment. A grievance defined in this way encourages others to acknowledge your feelings (which most of us need, anyway) and encourages the two of you simply to address the problem.
In the above scenario, Martin might say, “I’m sorry about that; it makes me feel really bad, too. I’m just so stressed out about that deadline next week that I get wrapped up in my work and forget the time. I’ll try setting my phone alarm from now on.”
He might also say, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I don’t think of this as a problem. Sam was not worried or upset. And I eventually remembered him.” You then have a chance to listen and decide if you want to make an adjustment. You might just say, “This makes me too nervous and irritated; do you think you could set your phone alarm from now on?”
Here’s what’s notable about a conversation like this. The problem is framed without judgment or condemnation. I didn’t say, “Martin, you absent-minded professor, you completely abdicated your responsibility as a parent twice last week by forgetting your son at school!” (As you can see, I’m actually quite good at initiating a conversation like that, as well.)
The blame-free framing sets the stage for you to discuss a problem in which there isn’t really any fault, only upset. For instance, I had to have a courageous conversation with Martin about his snoring, which was leaving me exhausted and angry. If I remember correctly, I said something like: “Martin, your snoring has become so severe that when you get going in the middle of the night, I feel out of control and it makes me want to smack you over the head and sleep in separate beds.” He got to the sleep clinic real fast and doesn’t snore anymore.
If you stay on your courageous conversation script, you won’t be tempted to bring up past grievances or issues. You won’t get going on the “you’ve done this a thousand times” or the “you always do this” script.
If you are on the receiving end of a courageous conversation, you have several factors working for you. First, your partner didn’t just walk up and start yelling. You have had a heads-up that there is a problem and the nature of that problem in a general sense. You can be prepared. Your responsibility is to listen and offer your feedback about that issue along with encouragement to get past the problem to the solution.
Try this with a problem that arises at home. All you have to remember is your script: “When you [do the behavior in question], I feel [how it makes you feel] and it makes me want to [behavior you want to respond with.] This conversation is indeed courageous–and also effective.