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Melissa Thoma

Position Posting: Family unit seeks female senior executive for full-time (we’re talking all the time) development of intimate relationships, nurture, care and feeding of mate and offspring. This exciting and creative venture seeks to execute a multigenerational strategy of developing the highest possible quality of life through shared resources and support. The very life and happiness of team members will be the responsibility of the Life Mate, who will leverage her skills in communications and negotiation to ensure the health of the primary couple relationship and the proper development of junior staff.

The Life Mate must pledge her permanent fidelity to the enterprise and must be willing to assign all assets and available resources to the job.

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Melissa Thoma

What my husband Martin and I have after 25 years is a partnership: solid, secure, rewarding. Six years into marriage we went into business together, creating a marketing firm with $700 and a first-generation Mac, using our back bedroom as an office. We discovered something in the process: Our best business practices have turned out to be some of the best practices for our marriage.

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Healthy Conflicts Move You Forward

There’s a difference between debate and fighting, and only the former is healthy.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   04/14/2010

Our leadership team just returned from its quarterly off-site meeting, and I’ve been digesting and activating the decisions we made. These meetings are always productive–we quickly reach decisions that might drag out for weeks in the office. Strange as it may seem, I think what makes these sessions work is the passionate debate.

Debate. Well, maybe I should be more descriptive. We disagree. We argue. We speak up. We’re heard. We move forward. Healthy conflict is one hallmark of an effective meeting. I also believe it has a vital role to play in marriage, and I’ll argue with anyone who disagrees.

Here’s why I believe in healthy conflict: For 22 years, I’ve led meetings with all sorts of team dynamics in play. And I’ve noticed that really passionate, engaged people speak up and argue their points. Being heard is important to those who are truly engaged and invested in the outcome. I’ve also watched people who avoid the heat (and discomfort). It’s not that hard; they simply disengage. They don’t fight, but they don’t engage. They are simply checked out–not married to the goals, you might say. Not committed.

I’ve also been a part of horrible business conflicts where participants get ugly, personal and so emotional they can’t focus on the true discussion points. I’ve witnessed name-calling and people storming in and out of rooms, slamming doors and raising voices. These encounters leave blood on the floor and relationship damage that lingers long after the details of the disagreements have been worked through. That’s just plain old fighting. And it hardly ever works.

But disagreeing, arguing, works. It’s the natural outcome of commitment and passion. Teams that aren’t afraid of a healthy debate make decisions far more effectively and efficiently than those that avoid conflict, as Patrick Lencioni noted in his book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A Leadership Fable.

In his book, Lencioni names “fear of conflict” as a dysfunction because healthy conflict is required for relationships to grow. According to Lencioni, teams that fear conflict have boring interactions, create more back-channel politics and personal attacks, ignore the tough topics that are often critical to success, fail to tap into the perspectives of all team members, and waste time and energy. Healthy conflict, on the other hand, leads to lively meetings that extract all opinions, solve problems quickly, minimize the politics and put critical topics on the table.

Because my husband, Martin, and I spend so much of our lives working together with others in the room, we have developed a pretty good ability to argue effectively. In business, you just don’t have the option of screaming and yelling. Developing a controlled, just-the-facts approach to arguing revealed to Martin and me that the more emotional tactics we might have deployed at home weren’t very effective, but certainly had the potential to hurt.

When we do lose it and fight nasty, one habit we’ve developed is to say, “We’re on the same team here.” This little code phrase helps us both remember that if one of us loses, we’ve probably both lost on some level.

All Parties Have to Be Heard

We’ve never been shy about a good, healthy debate over the dinner table or in front of our children, because we are by and large pretty good about sticking to the topic and reaching an agreement. Sometimes it’s a compromise, but not always, because research has found that having your views truly heard and considered is as important as the final outcome. So sometimes, one of us loses. But always, both of us are heard.

This is imperative in a good relationship. The only thing accomplished by storming out and maintaining cold, stony silences is to prolong the issue and leave room for real damage. The tension and emotion from a good, healthy argument can be uncomfortable. But it doesn’t cause any real, lasting damage to a relationship.

One tool that many businesses use is the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument or the TKI. This instrument helps people define their responses to conflict to determine how they behave most often: competing (assertive and uncooperative), accommodating (unassertive and cooperative), avoiding (unassertive and uncooperative), collaborating (assertive and cooperative) or compromising (moderately assertive and cooperative).

Understanding these ways of dealing with conflict can help you have a conversation about how you might work toward collaborating or compromising in an argument rather than competing, avoiding or always accommodating (which can lead to underlying resentment).

Two questions to ask yourself if you find the discussion getting heated:

1. Are the right people in the room? In other words, is this appropriate at the dinner table in front of the kids? Am I dragging people into a disagreement they don’t need to be a part of?

2. Is this the right time for this? Sometimes setting a time to discuss a disagreement can help both of you come together in the spirit of collaboration and compromise rather than aggression. This is also helpful if one of you is angry or unhappy, but the other isn’t aware of that. Confronting someone with a disagreement can be risky if he is not ready or able to listen or be listened to. Set aside time, and you’ll be able to work out the problem more easily.

So don’t shy away from conflict. It’s the natural outgrowth of a passionate, involved relationship. Just remember that most people will compromise or work toward a solution that works for all if they truly feel heard and respected along the way. That’s something we want at home as much–or more–than at work.

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Biz Pitfalls Are Marriage Pitfalls

Avoiding both enhances your chances of success–at home and the office.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   03/21/2010

In 22 years in business, I’ve never seen anything like the past year’s economy. To call it challenging is a gross understatement. Thousands of businesses and millions of jobs have gone under as a result of this economic tsunami, washed away under the extreme pressure from outside.

It made me think of dear friends who lost fundamentally solid relationships due to the pressure of events outside their control: the loss of a child, a devastating illness or a family crisis. Businesses and relationships can fail under these extreme circumstances.

But what about the not-so-extreme circumstances? What are some of the foundational keys to success that, when they go missing, can undermine an otherwise successful business? Is there anything we can learn from business dangers that can help us in marriage?

In an article in Business Know-How, staff writer Patricia Shaefer lists some reasons for business failures. I’d like to re-examine her points in light of marriage.

Point No. 1: Maybe you started your business for the wrong reasons. Whenever I talk to folks about starting a business, I tell them the three golden rules of entrepreneurship: You will work harder, make less money, and it will take longer than you ever imagined. Sorry friends, I speak the truth. So if you are going into business to make lots of money, to work less or get rich quick, you are going in for the wrong reasons.

Why did you go into marriage? For some women, the answer really might be for economic security. Problem is that women have a 97 percent chance of being in charge of the family finances sometime during their lives, so that might not be the best reason to marry. To experience lifelong romantic bliss? This is biologically impossible, and yet many of us have just that idealized a view of what marriage should be. How about to have children and a family? What happens if you can’t have children, or God forbid lose your family?

Schaefer highlights several more appropriate reasons for starting a business. I think they are great reasons for forming a marriage, as well.

a.    You have a passion and love for what you’ll be doing and strongly believe–based on educated study and investigation–that your product or service would fulfill a real need in the marketplace. Remixed for marriage, that would read: You have a passion and love for the marital commitment and strongly believe–based on real conversation and discovery–that this relationship would truly fill a need for you and your lover. That is a high bar, one a lot of folks don’t ever consider on their way to the altar.

b.    You are physically fit and posses the needed mental stamina to withstand potential challenges. This one does need a bit of tweaking to be valuable when you are considering a long-term relationship. Mental and physical well-being should be regarded as key ingredients to success. And if either of you is ignoring your health or don’t consider it a priority, you really are risking your marriage, as well. Place a real priority on keeping your physical and mental health.

c.    You have drive, determination, patience and a positive attitude. Enough said.

d.    Failures don’t defeat you. You learn from your mistakes. In marriage, I believe this is crucial. After 26 years, Martin and I have made many mistakes. If we didn’t have a real desire to succeed in our relationship, we probably would have failed at it. But maybe more important than wanting to keep going is learning from mistakes and making appropriate changes. Changing to meet the needs of the relationship in its present form is crucial to success.

Point No. 2: Another reason businesses fail is poor management. Lacking expertise in the areas of financing, purchasing, process or dealing with employees is a major downfall for many businesses. It is for marriage as well.

We know that financial issues are a main source of discontent in marriage. So many folks don’t know how to budget, plan and purchase when they reach adulthood. This is a major factor in marital problems. And when it comes to management, knowing how to manage children is a crucial factor in succeeding at marriage.

Under poor management, Schaefer also cites neglect. How often have you heard that a relationship fell apart because one partner simply lost touch with the needs of the other? Or both partners simply stopped thinking about and caring for the relationship. Businesses can fail when they are neglected by their principals; marriages certainly do.

Schaefer also mentions a poor work climate. Do you focus on creating the best possible home environment for your family? Virginia Satir, a pioneer in family therapy, wrote that designing a home environment where the family members want to spend time should be a major priority in every family’s life.

Point No. 3: Insufficient capital is another factor in business failure. If we’ve learned one thing from this Great Recession, it’s that families who got into houses they couldn’t afford are a great risk emotionally and physically. The decision to have children has a huge economic impact on a couple. Did you consider that when you decided to begin your family? Is your family sufficiently capitalized?

The ancient Greeks understood that life might best be described as a hero’s journey–a series of unfolding challenges and opportunities, in which the protagonist succeeds through skill, cunning and bravery in the face of adversity. Schaefer’s reasons for business failure reveal that we often lack the skill or strength (material, mental or physical) to overcome the obstacles that line our path.

The same is true of marriage. Success on this hero’s journey requires indefatigable effort, skill, attention and, sometimes, bravery. Avoiding the common pitfalls can help to determine your success.

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How to Brand Your Personal Partnership

Apply a standard business principle to make a lasting marriage.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   02/12/2010

Branding. That ubiquitous marketing buzzword. Every business wants a brand; many businesses invest heavily in developing, promoting and growing their brands. Martin and I have created a business devoted to building strong, magnetic brands. So it got me thinking: Is there anything in the discipline of branding that might benefit a relationship?

The more I explored the question, the more interesting it became. Many folks have told me that Martin and I are a unique couple. They point to our ability to work together successfully. They marvel that for years we shared an office, working across a partners’ desk. Even now, our offices are separated only by a sliding door that remains open but for the quietest conversations.

There are, after all, some rather famous couple brands. How about Brangelina? Those political Clintons? The ever-expanding Duggars?

In our brand strategy work, we help our clients identify and validate attributes that are unique, sustainable, competitive advantages. It’s hard work, but it yields the foundation for their brands.

The first filter is to determine and highlight what is unique about the product or service. For Martin and me, it is clearly our desire and ability to partner on so many levels. What is unique about your relationship? This is a fun question to ask over a glass of wine. When I think about this question, I also think about how Martin and I were very young when we married. I was 20; I could get married but not drink in a bar.

I also think about our courtship. We dated six weeks before we were engaged;10 days later, Martin flew to Southeast Asia, where he spent the next six months. Not every couple has this for their courtship story!

Having established those unique bits about your relationship, now ask yourself, “What is sustainable about our relationship?” This is a tougher question. When I look at how young we were when we married, I can hardly say this attribute is terribly sustainable. I recently learned that while half of marriages end in divorce, the success rate for couples wedding in their teens or early 20s dips even lower–to about 35 percent success.

Certainly the fact that we had a short courtship is not the sustaining thread that has brought us to our 26th anniversary.

But that impulse to partner, to work together closely in most areas of life–that, I would say, is definitely a key to our ability to sustain our marriage.

So now I’m left with one attribute that might “brand” my marriage. Will it pass the last test? Is it a competitive advantage? When we talk about products and services, we’re really talking about how desirable the brand is to the marketplace. Does the market really value this and will people purchase based on this attribute? So for the sake of our relationship discussion, I’ll put it this way: Is this something that other couples might value or desire to have in their own relationships?

Based on qualitative research (all the comments I’ve received over the years I’ve been in business and marriage with Martin), I’d have to say that this ability and desire to deeply partner is an advantage. As life and people develop, they can find themselves drifting apart toward disparate goals and aspirations.

Martin and I have, for better or for worse, been forced to stay in very close, focused alignment about our future. I remember a financial advisor telling us that we had a better chance of succeeding in a business partnership than most because the key to a successful business partnership is to hold the same future vision for the company. Since our future is always intrinsically linked, our chances of holding that marriage together are also greater, I believe.

So the Martin and Melissa brand might be summed up as a marriage in which we partner to bring about the best possible life for ourselves and our family; and we couldn’t do it as well without each other.

We even have a tagline. When we were engaged (those first 10 days before Martin flew away), we assured each other that we were going to have “A Sky Blue Life.” It was a literary reference to what we recall was a Guy de Maupassant story, though we cannot find it now. A Sky Blue Life is full of promise, has no limits and is mostly sunny. Sure it’s the work of a couple of starry-eyed 20-year-olds. But I still love the ideal, and it suits us perfectly, even today.

So what’s your relationship brand? Try your own brand-definition project using our unique, sustainable, competitive advantage filter.

Uncovering the brand within is always affirming and energizing for a business leadership team. The same can be true for you and your partner. What a beautiful Valentine’s Day gift to give to one another. Over those chocolates, explore the foundations of your personal relationship brand. It really will make for a Happy Valentine’s Day.