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Judge–But Don’t Be Judgmental

Leave out the emotion. Look at your data objectively to determine the best course of action.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   09/14/2010

Anyone who owns or manages a business knows that making tough decisions is at the core of the job. And in a milieu marked by instantaneous communication and the strain of recession, the decisions just keep getting more difficult.

Those same stressors affect our personal lives and relationships. How do we get the job done at home when we are busier than ever, unable (or unwilling) to disconnect from the constant stream of incoming communications and faced with the reality or threat of fewer resources? It’s a perfect storm. A tough decision can suddenly turn home into a battlefield where each partner is wounded by friendly fire.

Recent business decisions confronting Martin and me have required more attention, negotiation and granularity than ever before. The stakes are high; we don’t have a cushy net. Needless to say, it’s made for interesting pillow talk.

We’re forging ahead by using a principle we (or at least my husband) only recently identified: We must act with discernment, not

judgment. Just what does that mean?

Here’s my line of thought.

On the face of it, a judgment should be a fair and accurate weighing of the evidence to determine an outcome. In a court of law, evidence is presented and a judgment, or decision, is made. However, there is another kind of “judgment”: the act of judging people, facts, situations or experiences through the discoloring lens of emotion, opinion or your own personal baggage. Think “judgmental.” That little “al” tacked onto a perfectly appropriate decision-making tool can mess up a decision–and a relationship–very quickly.

When emotion and personal opinion take over, we can become judgmental. We blame others and take problems personally. Not a good frame of mind for making high-quality, high-stakes decisions.

Call to mind an experience in which you and your partner held opposing opinions about a topic. Say you want to spend spring break on the sunny beaches of Cozumel. In your opinion the best, most delightful, most exciting and economical way to get there is by cruise liner. Your partner’s opinion is that cruise liners are the most boring, claustrophobic, snail-paced way to get to the Mexican Riviera. Who is right? How will you decide? What is that conversation going to be like?

If you attempt to decide using these very emotional and personal opinions, you’ll likely end up not just disagreeing but fighting. You’ll either end up at home for spring break because you couldn’t reach a decision, or the decision will be so charged that one of you will be burning up on the beach . . . and not from the subtropical sun.

Now let’s talk about discernment. What I’m referring to here is the ability to look at objective information or inputs and determine the best course of action. This means slowing down to gather as much objective data as possible. You would determine in great detail what a successful outcome for the decision would look like, and then use the inputs to discern what course of action will come closest to creating the optimal outcome. In my experience, this approach simply requires–first and foremost–an agreement between the partners that you will approach the material with discernment and not judgment.

All right, now let’s plan a vacation. Using discernment, we first agree that we want to go on vacation for one week over spring break. We agree that Mexico, specifically Cozumel or a similar beach, is the destination and that we would like to enjoy the journey, as well as the destination. We look at our budget; how much are we willing and able to spend? What are our optimal arrival and departure times? How do we want to deal with food? Entertainment?

Armed with this level of information, and agreement, you might come to the conclusion that the cruise really is the best way to meet the majority of your desires for the money. Or perhaps the facts point away from a cruise toward a vacation package at a trendy, all-inclusive resort. Either way, if you approach the options without being judgmental, it’s more likely you’ll be able to discern a decision that is agreeable to both of you. Martin and I have seen this work time and again. We’ll be caught up in making some pretty hefty judgments, back up and dig out some objective facts or data, come back to our decision without holding so tightly to our precious opinions and–voilà–the decision is clear and acceptable to both of us.

In decision making, details matter and facts matter. Discernment is an internal process. Good decision making is a dance in which we can use our guiding principles to filter through the data to reach the best decision. Self-management guru Stephen Covey calls it “integrity in the moment of choice.”

So the next time you and your partner find yourselves caught in a situation that has led to an argument, you might try asking, “Are we making a proper judgment, or is there a bit of the judgmental involved in this?” Try backing up and starting from scratch with more information and less opinion. Reaching your decision through discernment may yield a way forward that makes you both happy–and happier with each other.

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Marriage Pays

Being married is good for the bottom line. We explore possible reasons behind this finding.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   08/18/2010

It turns out, according to the Census Bureau, that lasting marriages create more wealth for their partners than single life. A 15-year study of 9,000 people found that those who married and stayed married during that time built up nearly twice the net worth of people who stayed single. In fact, married couples realized the equivalent of an extra 4 percent of income growth annually.

What accounts for this marked difference in wealth creation? Nothing jumps out in the data, but several things jump out at me as I think about my own marriage. First off, if both people in the marriage are working, they’re likely making more than a single individual would make. But there are other considerations, as well.

For example, it’s just common sense that two people live more efficiently together than separately. And two people who are intimately connected feel comfortable sharing more than the average set of roommates shares. It’s just more reasonable to share large expenses like cars, homes, vacation rentals and major appliances with the person we plan to be with for the lifetime of the purchase.

And then there is the motivation factor. Part of the juice behind marriage is the drive to set goals and achieve dreams with the help and support of a lifelong partner. We know that reaching goals is greatly helped by being accountable to a group rather than simply depending on yourself. Behavioral change programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Weight Watchers are successful largely because of the extra support that comes with being accountable to a group. Wealth-building is a slow, difficult process that requires judgment and perseverance. Having the accountability and support of a spouse surely adds to the success of the endeavor.

How about the added resources of marriage? Marriage brings a network of familial support in the form of parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews who all know something or someone who can help you along the way. As often as we might feel life would be easier without all that additional family, we have to accept that the larger network of folks who are invested in our marriage are also invested in our future and our goals.

As I think about my marriage, I am struck that Martin and I co-created almost every major piece of intellectual property that we have used to generate income. Each of us looks at the world a little differently. When we bring those complementary outlooks together, we usually hit on a solution that is better than what we would have arrived at individually. That’s the beauty of shared resources. None of us knows it all. A couple can create more and better together.

Martin and I have a little saying that there are no unreasonable goals, only unrealistic time frames. And we often remind ourselves and our staff that while the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, most often we tend to zigzag to our goals. Life just doesn’t work as neatly as math. But one little observation I’ve made about being married to Martin is that when I am about to zig, sometimes Martin stops me before I zig too far. And when Martin is about to zag, I’m usually the one who can catch it and catch him. Perhaps that means that by working together toward common goals, we can forge a little straighter path for ourselves and get there a bit faster. Maybe that is contributing to our wealth-generating ability.

The nasty recession, coupled with the responsibilities of college-educating our kids and equipping the family with motor vehicles, insurance and the like have left me feeling as if our wealth-generating efforts are largely going flat. But where will I look to shore up our savings and regenerate lost income from investments that are no longer earning what they used to? To Martin, of course. To my marriage. And I know that two of us working together will certainly make a bigger impact than I could alone.

I’m also struck by how much more effective any wealth generation effort is when couples use the practices that work inside a viable business. Nobody creates and keeps wealth without a sound financial plan. Every couple should understand the basics of agreement, shared vision, budgeting and planning. These tools make the marital business more successful.

So it goes without saying that if marriage is good business, then business can be good for marriage. And it is gratifying to know there are benefits beyond the obvious when you choose to make a lifelong commitment to another person.

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What If ‘Wife’ Were a Job Title?

The job description is long and complicated. Where can you turn for training?

By: Melissa Thoma   |   06/11/2010

Position available: Wife. Starts immediately.

A recent project updating our company’s job descriptions has me thinking about a title I hold: wife. After all, as anyone who has done it will tell you, being married is a job. What if I were charged with creating a job description for this role and posting it the major job sites? What might that look like? Let’s see.

Job Title:

Life Mate, Manager of Spousal Relationships for Family Unit.

Sounds impressive. But obviously a small enterprise and not a Fortune 500 play.

Position Posting:

Family unit seeks female senior executive for full-time (we’re talking all the time) development of intimate relationships, nurture, care and feeding of mate and offspring. This exciting and creative venture seeks to execute a multigenerational strategy of developing the highest possible quality of life through shared resources and support. The very life and happiness of team members will be the responsibility of the Life Mate, who will leverage her skills in communications and negotiation to ensure the health of the primary couple relationship and the proper development of junior staff.

The Life Mate must pledge her permanent fidelity to the enterprise and must be willing to assign all assets and available resources to the job.

Wow . . . this sounds like hard work! I hope it pays well.

Responsibilities include:

• Willingness to relocate anywhere and everywhere that opportunity may take the

business unit

• Feeding, clothing, housing and primary care of the company and its staff

• Development and coordination of schedules that accommodate all parties

• Continuous guidance, mentoring, development, discipline and management of

junior staff

Resources Provided:

• None. All resources are the responsibility of the jobholder.

Termination Conditions:

This is a right-to-work state, meaning that the jobholder may be asked to leave at any time with or without cause.

Qualifications:

• No experience required; just the desire to hold the position.

• No experience required with management or mentoring of junior staff.

• No experience required with setting or keeping budgets.

• No experience required in managing households or maintaining property.

• No prior experience in the bedroom necessary, but good skills are appreciated.

Benefits:

Although vacation, health insurance, life insurance and other basic benefits are the responsibility of the jobholder, certain tangible and intangible benefits accrue:

• Research indicates that people employed in this position may live longer than their

single counterparts.

• Research indicates that for many people, successful engagement in the enterprise

yields high levels of life satisfaction.

Would you take this job? Better yet, are you qualified? Clearly there are no true qualifications necessary, yet the job itself may be the most complicated position you’ll ever hold. In business there is typically a well-defined way in which to prepare yourself for a job with such daunting responsibilities. Once again, the business world can teach some relationship skills.

The first requirement of preparing for a complex job is education. There are amazing resources on relationships, marriage and family for any willing candidate to tap. One of the most instructive books I’ve read on marriage and relationships is Harville Hendrix’s Getting the Love You Want. Hendrix presents his theory of Imago relationship therapy and practical, actionable advice for couples.

The best resource I’ve ever read for family dynamics and developing a healthy family culture is the late Virginia Satir’s The New Peoplemaking. Satir was a pioneer in family counseling. This one book is a master’s degree in organizational development for the family.

J. Zink is an author and lecturer who taught Martin and me the method we used for disciplining our young children. His system:

• Have no more than five rules at a time.

• Create simple, clear rewards and consequences for following or breaking those

rules.

• Post them on the refrigerator, review them daily with your kids, reward and enforce

religiously.

We didn’t try to make it up as we went along. We didn’t just do what our parents did. We researched a method that made sense and felt right for us, then learned and followed it. It worked. My teenage and young-adult kids still talk about how simple and effective this system was in guiding their development.

Then there is training. You are never really expected to land at a desk and just start working without some job training. Why shouldn’t the same be true of marriage? For instance, how many relationships have failed because the couple were woefully untrained in household finances? We know financial stress is a huge risk issue for relationships. Where’s the MBA–Marriage Business and Administration?

Communications is another area that all of us need some real coaching in. Why don’t we make that training a priority? There is a good assessment tool on what we call emotional intelligence at TalentSmart.com. EI is the ability to understand the emotional landscape in communications and relationships, and to respond appropriately. This assessment can be accessed online, and training can follow.

How about internships? Effective candidates can use the period of dating and courting to gain skills in relationship development and management, not just swim in a sea of love hormones. (Disclosure: I did not take my own advice. I became engaged to Martin after mere weeks at the lovesick age of 19.)

And speaking of internships, my daughter, Claire, has gotten more than her feet wet in family life experience as a nanny to multiple kids of multiple ages during her undergraduate studies at Wellesley College. She may have done it primarily for the extra cash, but the real-life experience of keeping kids and learning to discipline and care for babies and toddlers has her believing that the best incentive for proper birth control is taking care of somebody else’s children.

Looking at this job posting makes me realize how woefully under-prepared I was to enter into the Business of Marriage. Thank goodness I was never fired, had some on-the-job training and received a generous compensation in unconditional love. I’m glad I took the job.

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Is Your Spouse a Happy Customer?

Columnist Melissa Thoma gives her husband a customer-satisfaction survey to find out whether she lives up to her brand promise.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   05/19/2010

We spend a lot of time here at Thoma Thoma thinking about our clients’ customers. What do they want? What do they value? How do we create and promote products and services that meet their needs and develop them into brand fans? What is the difference between a sometimes user of the product and a loyal lifetime customer?

What if I thought about my marriage that way? I guess you could say that in my marriage, I’m the product and Martin is the customer. Wonder what would happen if I asked him to complete a customer satisfaction survey? Scary thought.

We may have a binding contract to be in a relationship, but most of us understand that all contracts are breakable–and about half the time married folks take advantage of that. Perhaps taking a moment to look at myself and think about how I create value for Martin isn’t a bad idea.

So many customers rate their satisfaction with a product or service based on how well they are listened to–especially when they have a problem or aren’t happy. You get a real sense of the integrity of the company based on its response to a problem you may be having. How responsive am I when Martin is having a problem with me? When your significant other calls the customer complaint line, what do you do? Do you listen, ask questions, and acknowledge his or her dissatisfaction?

I hate to admit it, but while I’m very conscious of the impression I’m making with my clients by the way I dress, how I respond to them, and how I use my social and conversational skills, it’s really easy to completely disregard the impression I’m making at home. Those social niceties are really appreciated around the house. You know you lose a little respect every time your loved one acts like he or she lives in a barnyard. What image do I want to project to Martin?

When I think about that, I’m more jazzed about dressing up, making better conversation and minding my manners a bit more. We coach our clients every day about how to present a brand image that is attractive to their customers. Loyal customers respond. Not a bad idea to take home.

Customers generally find satisfaction in a quality product; excellent personal service or treatment; or plain old affinity for the coolness, hipness or charm of the brand. What if we asked our mates to rate us on those measures, with 1 being poor, 3 average and 5 superior? I got up my nerve and asked Martin to do that. Here are the results–and I promise I didn’t sway them. I’m happily relieved by the scores.

On a scale of 1 to 5–with 1 being poor, 3 average and 5 superior–please rate your mate on the following:

• I believe that my mate is a “quality” product/person: 5

• Please comment: I don’t know of a single person who is more intentional or aware

about how her words and behaviors impact the people she interacts with.

• When I am unsatisfied with my relationship (product or service), my mate is

responsive to my needs: 5

• Please comment: She is so tuned in she likely knows of dissatisfaction before I do.

In terms of relationships, she is always trying to improve the quality. That focus

certainly extends to our relationship.

• I am treated well by my mate: 4

• Please comment: If I could get more breakfasts in bed and neck rubs, I would

definitely give a 5. Seriously, though, Melissa takes great care of everyone around

her–especially me–even at the cost of great self-sacrifice.

• My mate (the brand) is cool, hip, charming: 5

• Please comment: Since brands are what everyone else thinks and feels about them,

this one is definitely off the charts. There’s not a bigger life of the party to go out with;

a classier woman to have on your arm; a smarter, more creative business partner; or a

more intuitive, caring, loving woman. She looks great, she takes care of herself and

she has awesome shoes. What’s not to love?

Wow! I’m blushing, but whenever I think back to a heartwarming story I heard on National Public Radio, I know that I’m woefully behind on creating marital satisfaction compared to the late Danny Perasa.

I had to pull over and stop the car one morning on the way to work as I listened to a precious excerpt from the Storycorps booth in New York City. Danny and Annie Perasa had stopped in to talk about their marriage. Turns out that Danny had left a love note on the table for his wife every single day of their 25-year-plus marriage. There was nothing too eloquent or deep–just the daily effort of writing “I love you” to the woman in his life

That story had a profound impact on many listeners, and NPR continued to cover the couple through Danny’s death from pancreatic cancer in 2006. Danny knew how to create the ultimate customer satisfaction. He knew that the customer is king (or queen, in this case). And he knew that by putting Annie first, he was assured that she would be one happy, satisfied customer for life.

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Melissa Thoma

Applying a bit of management discipline to your home life can open new possibilities. Consider the skills and aptitudes required by real life and match them to the unique abilities each of you brings to the relationship.