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Plan Your Marriage’s Ideal Future

You evaluate dangers, opportunities and strengths for your business. Why not apply those principles to your marriage?

By: Melissa Thoma   |   12/24/2010

In our brand-marketing business, we are keenly aware that in order to maintain relationships with our clients we must continually create value that helps them advance, grow and meet their goals. To define “value,” we’ve come to rely on The D.O.S. Conversation (Dangers, Opportunities and Strengths) tool from Dan Sullivan’s entrepreneurial development program.

But can this practice be used in our personal lives as well?

First, we ask our client to visualize in detail an immensely satisfying future for himself or herself — casting the frame three years ahead. We then ask them to inventory the greatest dangers they face in reaching this bright future. From there, we investigate present opportunities and inventory the strengths they perceive now within their current organization. As we create a marketing communications plan for clients, we define strategies to systematically remedy dangers, capitalize on opportunities and leverage strengths.

I was reviewing a recent D.O.S. conversation with a client when I had a small epiphany — about my life partner, Martin. “I should be highly motivated to add value to his life and help him create his best future,” I thought. “Why don’t I have a D.O.S. conversation with him?”

Making it Personal

So on a recent business trip, I took advantage of a few spare hours I had alone in the car with Martin and conducted the D.O.S. interview. Martin described an ideal future in which there were no vestiges of The Great Recession in our business. We had the resources to travel, save, grow and otherwise feel free of cash-flow stress. We had partners at Thoma Thoma who were sharing the load of ownership and creating space for Martin to write another book and for me to complete my first one. Martin described himself meeting the emotional and physical needs of our family. We’ll be empty nesters and out from under most of the expenses related to college.

Dangers to achieving this picture included some powerful material. Supporting and caring for our parents might put this future at risk. (A good reminder to formulate a plan with our siblings for this eventual reality.) Furthermore, as we experience an empty nest, we could grow apart rather than regain our identity as a couple — becoming “more partner, less spouse.”

We also talked about the danger associated with either of us or a child becoming sick. This exploration might not sound like fun, but we found it motivating to seriously consider measures we could take now that would lessen these risk factors.

Next, we identified many opportunities for ourselves as a couple. There will be fewer child-rearing expenses and less responsibility, as well as more freedom to explore personal interests such as traveling and writing. We love to mentor, and we foresee opportunity to be a powerful influence in the lives of young people in our area schools and universities.

Naming our strengths — including health, relative wealth and great friendships — was humbling and encouraging. Our ideal future is achievable. It is well within our ability to realize, even through the dangers that threaten to throw us off course. We just need a clear plan and path.

Charting the Course

That is the next step in the D.O.S. Conversation. Sullivan suggests that while the conversation itself is valuable and insightful, the resulting plan and path derived from this wealth of material are the vehicles that truly deliver value to the relationship.

I’ve seen the excitement in the eyes of our clients as they receive our suggestions for achieving their ideal futures and overcoming the obstacles to their business success. My goal is to provide such a plan and path to Martin and see how he reacts to my thoughts.

I have to admit that this exercise has inspired me to think deeply about my marriage and my future as Martin’s wife. It’s easy after 27 years to go on autopilot. What’s working keeps working, and what isn’t working gets pushed under the rug. The risk is that any danger trigger can send the ugly stuff shooting out from hiding and morph it into a monstrous, deal-breaking issue.

The structure of the conversation gave us a reason to stop long enough to evaluate our life situation. The plan and path can give us the impetus to act on the material that we know is important but doesn’t feel urgent.

I’ll share my plan and path with Martin and report the results to you in my next column. Based on my initial experience, I can recommend the D.O.S. Conversation as a valuable tool for any partnership — marriage included.

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Master the Art of Partner Negotiation

Strengthen your relationship by negotiating to a win-win deal every single time.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   06/14/2009

We approach our work relationships with the natural understanding that we’ll be assigning or receiving tasks, setting goals, giving/getting rewards and determining our future in business through the process of negotiation. But we often fail to realize the extent to which we need this skill at home with our partners or children.

I recently attended a workshop on effective business negotiations, offered by one of my clients. The seminar featured Deepak Molhotra, associate professor at the Harvard School of Business. My husband Martin and I participated in a role-play activity simulating a buy-sell negotiation for a piece of land to be developed. Our negotiation was quick, simple and straightforward. More than 100 pairs of negotiators squared off in that class. When the speaker revealed the dollar range of all the different agreements, I laughed. At either end of the spectrum, the buyer or seller could have exclaimed, “I was robbed.” But neither Martin nor I had out-negotiated the other. There were no losers in the deal, only winners.

That may not be the best way to negotiate in business. Depending on the situation, you may decide to negotiate to a clear advantage. An article on the Mind Tools website makes a good point: “Where you do not expect to deal with people ever again and you do not need their goodwill, then it may be appropriate to play hardball.” But as Molhotra pointed out, the process of negotiation is every bit as important as the outcome, because it’s how you feel at the end that will determine whether you have a future opportunity with that partner.

When it comes to negotiating with your life partner, I’d wager that you’ll be dealing with each other again, so why not determine that every negotiation should produce only winners and strengthen the relationship? Sadly, a lot of folks just want to play hardball at home. It’s rooted in the classic power struggle that comes from learning to share a life together. Couples get so caught up in claiming their space on the lifeboat that they are willing to win at each other’s expense. Only problem is, that parting shot just put a hole in the lifeboat they’re sharing.

Consider the principle of “win-win or no deal,” articulated by Stephen Covey in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. According to Covey, the first thing negotiators should do is seek to understand. For example, if your partner is likely to approach the coming duck season with, “I’m going hunting next weekend,” try to get beyond the facts to his real desires. Does he want that exact weekend or every weekend? Or does he want to guarantee that he’ll have the chance to spend some quality time with his buddies in the duck blind?

Now you can negotiate to a mutually agreeable outcome. “I want you to have some time at the club as well, but next weekend is that dance recital for Mary and I feel that you should be there in support of our children. Let’s look at the calendar and find the weekends that are good for everyone.”

It is from the basis of understanding that you can move through the components of a successful win-win agreement:

Desired results: not the method, but the desired outcomes and goals, the “I want

to do this because . . .”

Guidelines: the parameters we are willing to operate within. You might be willing

to give him as many as three weekends away during duck hunting season, but not

every weekend.

Resources to help accomplish the goal. You might negotiate to invest in extra

child care during the weekends he is hunting.

Accountability: What are our standards? You promise not to cop an attitude

as the weekend of hunting approaches. He promises to make sure his obligations to

the family are met before leaving town each Friday.

Consequences: He recognizes that you are due some girls’ weekends after hunting

season. You recognize that this may be tough, but you made a fair negotiation.

Be honest: Have you worked out a plan with your partner that reached this level of communication? So often, we don’t get into the detail necessary to feel good about the solutions we come to in our personal relationships. What’s needed is just this level of clarity.

Over the course of our business relationship, Martin and I have had to negotiate many things, from the correct marketing strategy for a client to our annual budget allocations. We’ve found that we do best when we:

• Are extremely clear (as in, “I do not agree with your proposed plan. We need to

negotiate”).

• Set aside a specific time to negotiate.

• Are clear about our parameters. We will absolutely not settle the deal without a true

negotiated outcome.

Covey calls this approach “win-win or no deal.” Neither of us moves forward with any plan until we have agreed on that plan.

Is there tension? You bet! Are we passionate about our positions? Yeah! But we’re in the same boat, remember? It does one of us no good to win at the other’s expense. So negotiate to a win-win, remembering that the alternative is no deal. You’ll walk away the winner–and so will your partner.