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Who’s the Boss in Your Family?

Match strengths and abilities to common household tasks, the same way you assign duties at work.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   07/20/2009

Most businesses create an organizational chart. They break the work down into areas of responsibility and define them further by required skill sets and accompanying tasks. Applicants are screened for their experience, training and aptitude before they are assigned to the jobs. Doing so makes the business run better.

But does this happen at home? Not often.

Answer these questions: Who’s the CEO in your family? And who’s the CFO?

Applying a bit of management discipline to your home life can open new possibilities. Consider the skills and aptitudes required by real life and match them to the unique abilities each of you brings to the relationship.

Take the CEO, for example. The primary role of the CEO at work is holding the vision and setting strategy, not “being the boss,” as is generally assumed. When I think about the role of home CEO, I ask myself, who in this family tends to carry the vision for the future and see the big picture? That would be me.

As CEO, I am responsible for planning the future. What does summer look like for the family as a whole and for each child? Where would we like to travel? Are we on track to complete that kitchen renovation? What goals must we reach in order to make the whole system, as well as each individual, better?

On the other hand, Martin is the best fit for CFO, so he manages all things financial. Does he get to decide what we purchase? No. That would be the purchasing agent–me. He’s responsible for creating the annual budget, paying the bills, determining the best plan for college or retirement savings, and monitoring those investments.

COO? Well, when it comes to operating the household, we break it up into inside (me) and outside (him). These choices aren’t about traditional roles. These are about what each of us does best. This became really clear when we had very young children. Martin can fall asleep anywhere, anytime, in an instant. If I am awakened in the night, I cannot go back to sleep. Guess who managed the bulk of the nighttime care duties in our house?

On top of that, I’m blessed (or cursed, depending on how you look at it) with a head of curls that would make Orphan Annie jealous. The only approach to hair care is to wash it and let it be. Our daughter, Claire, has beautiful, wavy black hair. It required more than mere maintenance; it called for artistry! Martin took on the role of coiffeur, mastering the French braid and other lovely updos. And because we both hate housework, we outsource.

What roles do you play in your family life? Are you doing that job because you have the right aptitude and skill, or are you doing it because “that’s how it was done in my family” or “it’s a woman’s job”?

Do you find yourself angry and annoyed at your partner each time you perform a certain task? Chances are you aren’t made for the job. If both of you hate it, pay someone else to do it, even if you have to tighten up elsewhere. Martin and I cut back on dinners out, double lattes and manicures in order to pay for some help in the home and kitchen. Now we have clean clothes, bathed dogs, food in the ‘fridge and a chance to take a nap on Saturday afternoons.

You might find that neither of you is great at keeping the checkbook balanced and the bills paid on time. These processes can be automated with a little investment in technology. That’s what happens at work, right? Making those little investments can pay off big when you raise your credit score and lower your blood pressure.

By the way, the two of you may not be the only “staffers” at home, so consider applying the discipline of delegation and job descriptions to your kids. My daughter was my personal assistant during high school. She paid for her car insurance by working it off 10 to 12 hours a week.

If outsourcing those irksome tasks or investing in household technology (Roomba, anyone?) saves you conflict and stress, you have managed your budget wisely.

Sometime soon over coffee or wine, work with your partner to identify all the jobs required to run the “business of life” for your family. Map these jobs into roles on your “org chart.” Then match family members to the positions and tasks that leverage their strengths and native abilities. At home–as in business–becoming more intentional about this process can foster a more peaceable kingdom.

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In This Together, For Better or Worse

Good business practices translate well to marriage–in itself a decidedly risky business.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   05/11/2009

We were the typical starry-eyed lovers: young (our parents would say too young), full of potential, open to any possibility–with the super-charged hormones of 19-year-olds. We had aced the school thing and were ready to leave our mark on the real world. And we had each other. Nothing could stop us. Right?

After 25 years of marriage, we look back and have to laugh. Real life has not only shaped us at times but has slapped us around a bit, too. Learning to live together, learning to work together, learning to parent and to manage together through poverty and wealth has been much more like a roller-coaster ride than the glorious ascent to fame, fortune and romantic rapture that we envisioned when we embarked on our shared life.

What my husband Martin and I have after 25 years is a partnership: solid, secure, rewarding. Six years into marriage we went into business together, creating a marketing firm with $700 and a first-generation Mac, using our back bedroom as an office. We discovered something in the process: Our best business practices have turned out to be some of the best practices for our marriage.

What about your joint venture? You’ve pledged your life to your partner in the name of love and passion. You may have set a wedding date, decided to move in together or are about to celebrate an anniversary. Let me ask you a few key questions: Would you sign the paperwork on a new business partnership without first creating a business plan? Would you put out the “Open” sign without setting up a budget or clearly defining job responsibilities?

How long do you think your business would last if one of you dreamed of becoming the next Sam Walton, and the other wanted to create an exclusive boutique?

You’ve committed your life to your significant other, but have you created a life plan together? Martin and I have observed that most couples don’t stop the business of life long enough to plan that business. And that’s a real shame, because while new businesses fail at a surprising rate, new marriages fail at an even higher one. Using our business plan as a model, Martin and I have been life planning for years, and we believe it has made a big difference.

Martin and I begin every planning consultation by posing the same question to clients: What does your business look like five years from now? We then push our clients to create a vivid picture of the future, detailing accomplishments, changes, dollars, even the physical environment and relationships. Sometimes, as we seek honest assessments, the picture doesn’t seem too rosy. “If we don’t make a change, we won’t be here in five years,” some clients say.

We find this exercise very enlightening because the demands of running the business often prevent our clients from stepping back to define or refine their goals.

When was the last time you answered this question in your personal life? Have you sat down with your life partner and painted a detailed picture of your next five years together? Where will you live? Will one of you have a new job? Are there kids in the picture? If you maintain the present course, will you be happy five years from now? Begin with this conversation.

This column will work through the business of planning and managing your life using the same tools most businesses use to operate successfully. We’re talking about everything from budgets to organizational charts. Engaging in a meaningful conversation of these issues can create clarity and an environment for productive negotiation, something every relationship can use.

Each morning when I come into work, I get my coffee, switch on my computer and seat myself right beside my husband, who is sitting not 5 feet from my terminal. I’m reminded again: We are in this together . . . for better or worse. You are, too. And you can partner for a Fortune 500 success or a Chapter 11 reality check. Putting a little business into your relationship might be the difference.