Tag: Melissa Thoma

Categories
Articles Multi

Is Your Spouse a Happy Customer?

Columnist Melissa Thoma gives her husband a customer-satisfaction survey to find out whether she lives up to her brand promise.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   05/19/2010

We spend a lot of time here at Thoma Thoma thinking about our clients’ customers. What do they want? What do they value? How do we create and promote products and services that meet their needs and develop them into brand fans? What is the difference between a sometimes user of the product and a loyal lifetime customer?

What if I thought about my marriage that way? I guess you could say that in my marriage, I’m the product and Martin is the customer. Wonder what would happen if I asked him to complete a customer satisfaction survey? Scary thought.

We may have a binding contract to be in a relationship, but most of us understand that all contracts are breakable–and about half the time married folks take advantage of that. Perhaps taking a moment to look at myself and think about how I create value for Martin isn’t a bad idea.

So many customers rate their satisfaction with a product or service based on how well they are listened to–especially when they have a problem or aren’t happy. You get a real sense of the integrity of the company based on its response to a problem you may be having. How responsive am I when Martin is having a problem with me? When your significant other calls the customer complaint line, what do you do? Do you listen, ask questions, and acknowledge his or her dissatisfaction?

I hate to admit it, but while I’m very conscious of the impression I’m making with my clients by the way I dress, how I respond to them, and how I use my social and conversational skills, it’s really easy to completely disregard the impression I’m making at home. Those social niceties are really appreciated around the house. You know you lose a little respect every time your loved one acts like he or she lives in a barnyard. What image do I want to project to Martin?

When I think about that, I’m more jazzed about dressing up, making better conversation and minding my manners a bit more. We coach our clients every day about how to present a brand image that is attractive to their customers. Loyal customers respond. Not a bad idea to take home.

Customers generally find satisfaction in a quality product; excellent personal service or treatment; or plain old affinity for the coolness, hipness or charm of the brand. What if we asked our mates to rate us on those measures, with 1 being poor, 3 average and 5 superior? I got up my nerve and asked Martin to do that. Here are the results–and I promise I didn’t sway them. I’m happily relieved by the scores.

On a scale of 1 to 5–with 1 being poor, 3 average and 5 superior–please rate your mate on the following:

• I believe that my mate is a “quality” product/person: 5

• Please comment: I don’t know of a single person who is more intentional or aware

about how her words and behaviors impact the people she interacts with.

• When I am unsatisfied with my relationship (product or service), my mate is

responsive to my needs: 5

• Please comment: She is so tuned in she likely knows of dissatisfaction before I do.

In terms of relationships, she is always trying to improve the quality. That focus

certainly extends to our relationship.

• I am treated well by my mate: 4

• Please comment: If I could get more breakfasts in bed and neck rubs, I would

definitely give a 5. Seriously, though, Melissa takes great care of everyone around

her–especially me–even at the cost of great self-sacrifice.

• My mate (the brand) is cool, hip, charming: 5

• Please comment: Since brands are what everyone else thinks and feels about them,

this one is definitely off the charts. There’s not a bigger life of the party to go out with;

a classier woman to have on your arm; a smarter, more creative business partner; or a

more intuitive, caring, loving woman. She looks great, she takes care of herself and

she has awesome shoes. What’s not to love?

Wow! I’m blushing, but whenever I think back to a heartwarming story I heard on National Public Radio, I know that I’m woefully behind on creating marital satisfaction compared to the late Danny Perasa.

I had to pull over and stop the car one morning on the way to work as I listened to a precious excerpt from the Storycorps booth in New York City. Danny and Annie Perasa had stopped in to talk about their marriage. Turns out that Danny had left a love note on the table for his wife every single day of their 25-year-plus marriage. There was nothing too eloquent or deep–just the daily effort of writing “I love you” to the woman in his life

That story had a profound impact on many listeners, and NPR continued to cover the couple through Danny’s death from pancreatic cancer in 2006. Danny knew how to create the ultimate customer satisfaction. He knew that the customer is king (or queen, in this case). And he knew that by putting Annie first, he was assured that she would be one happy, satisfied customer for life.

Categories
Articles

Healthy Conflicts Move You Forward

There’s a difference between debate and fighting, and only the former is healthy.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   04/14/2010

Our leadership team just returned from its quarterly off-site meeting, and I’ve been digesting and activating the decisions we made. These meetings are always productive–we quickly reach decisions that might drag out for weeks in the office. Strange as it may seem, I think what makes these sessions work is the passionate debate.

Debate. Well, maybe I should be more descriptive. We disagree. We argue. We speak up. We’re heard. We move forward. Healthy conflict is one hallmark of an effective meeting. I also believe it has a vital role to play in marriage, and I’ll argue with anyone who disagrees.

Here’s why I believe in healthy conflict: For 22 years, I’ve led meetings with all sorts of team dynamics in play. And I’ve noticed that really passionate, engaged people speak up and argue their points. Being heard is important to those who are truly engaged and invested in the outcome. I’ve also watched people who avoid the heat (and discomfort). It’s not that hard; they simply disengage. They don’t fight, but they don’t engage. They are simply checked out–not married to the goals, you might say. Not committed.

I’ve also been a part of horrible business conflicts where participants get ugly, personal and so emotional they can’t focus on the true discussion points. I’ve witnessed name-calling and people storming in and out of rooms, slamming doors and raising voices. These encounters leave blood on the floor and relationship damage that lingers long after the details of the disagreements have been worked through. That’s just plain old fighting. And it hardly ever works.

But disagreeing, arguing, works. It’s the natural outcome of commitment and passion. Teams that aren’t afraid of a healthy debate make decisions far more effectively and efficiently than those that avoid conflict, as Patrick Lencioni noted in his book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team: A Leadership Fable.

In his book, Lencioni names “fear of conflict” as a dysfunction because healthy conflict is required for relationships to grow. According to Lencioni, teams that fear conflict have boring interactions, create more back-channel politics and personal attacks, ignore the tough topics that are often critical to success, fail to tap into the perspectives of all team members, and waste time and energy. Healthy conflict, on the other hand, leads to lively meetings that extract all opinions, solve problems quickly, minimize the politics and put critical topics on the table.

Because my husband, Martin, and I spend so much of our lives working together with others in the room, we have developed a pretty good ability to argue effectively. In business, you just don’t have the option of screaming and yelling. Developing a controlled, just-the-facts approach to arguing revealed to Martin and me that the more emotional tactics we might have deployed at home weren’t very effective, but certainly had the potential to hurt.

When we do lose it and fight nasty, one habit we’ve developed is to say, “We’re on the same team here.” This little code phrase helps us both remember that if one of us loses, we’ve probably both lost on some level.

All Parties Have to Be Heard

We’ve never been shy about a good, healthy debate over the dinner table or in front of our children, because we are by and large pretty good about sticking to the topic and reaching an agreement. Sometimes it’s a compromise, but not always, because research has found that having your views truly heard and considered is as important as the final outcome. So sometimes, one of us loses. But always, both of us are heard.

This is imperative in a good relationship. The only thing accomplished by storming out and maintaining cold, stony silences is to prolong the issue and leave room for real damage. The tension and emotion from a good, healthy argument can be uncomfortable. But it doesn’t cause any real, lasting damage to a relationship.

One tool that many businesses use is the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument or the TKI. This instrument helps people define their responses to conflict to determine how they behave most often: competing (assertive and uncooperative), accommodating (unassertive and cooperative), avoiding (unassertive and uncooperative), collaborating (assertive and cooperative) or compromising (moderately assertive and cooperative).

Understanding these ways of dealing with conflict can help you have a conversation about how you might work toward collaborating or compromising in an argument rather than competing, avoiding or always accommodating (which can lead to underlying resentment).

Two questions to ask yourself if you find the discussion getting heated:

1. Are the right people in the room? In other words, is this appropriate at the dinner table in front of the kids? Am I dragging people into a disagreement they don’t need to be a part of?

2. Is this the right time for this? Sometimes setting a time to discuss a disagreement can help both of you come together in the spirit of collaboration and compromise rather than aggression. This is also helpful if one of you is angry or unhappy, but the other isn’t aware of that. Confronting someone with a disagreement can be risky if he is not ready or able to listen or be listened to. Set aside time, and you’ll be able to work out the problem more easily.

So don’t shy away from conflict. It’s the natural outgrowth of a passionate, involved relationship. Just remember that most people will compromise or work toward a solution that works for all if they truly feel heard and respected along the way. That’s something we want at home as much–or more–than at work.

Categories
Articles

Biz Pitfalls Are Marriage Pitfalls

Avoiding both enhances your chances of success–at home and the office.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   03/21/2010

In 22 years in business, I’ve never seen anything like the past year’s economy. To call it challenging is a gross understatement. Thousands of businesses and millions of jobs have gone under as a result of this economic tsunami, washed away under the extreme pressure from outside.

It made me think of dear friends who lost fundamentally solid relationships due to the pressure of events outside their control: the loss of a child, a devastating illness or a family crisis. Businesses and relationships can fail under these extreme circumstances.

But what about the not-so-extreme circumstances? What are some of the foundational keys to success that, when they go missing, can undermine an otherwise successful business? Is there anything we can learn from business dangers that can help us in marriage?

In an article in Business Know-How, staff writer Patricia Shaefer lists some reasons for business failures. I’d like to re-examine her points in light of marriage.

Point No. 1: Maybe you started your business for the wrong reasons. Whenever I talk to folks about starting a business, I tell them the three golden rules of entrepreneurship: You will work harder, make less money, and it will take longer than you ever imagined. Sorry friends, I speak the truth. So if you are going into business to make lots of money, to work less or get rich quick, you are going in for the wrong reasons.

Why did you go into marriage? For some women, the answer really might be for economic security. Problem is that women have a 97 percent chance of being in charge of the family finances sometime during their lives, so that might not be the best reason to marry. To experience lifelong romantic bliss? This is biologically impossible, and yet many of us have just that idealized a view of what marriage should be. How about to have children and a family? What happens if you can’t have children, or God forbid lose your family?

Schaefer highlights several more appropriate reasons for starting a business. I think they are great reasons for forming a marriage, as well.

a.    You have a passion and love for what you’ll be doing and strongly believe–based on educated study and investigation–that your product or service would fulfill a real need in the marketplace. Remixed for marriage, that would read: You have a passion and love for the marital commitment and strongly believe–based on real conversation and discovery–that this relationship would truly fill a need for you and your lover. That is a high bar, one a lot of folks don’t ever consider on their way to the altar.

b.    You are physically fit and posses the needed mental stamina to withstand potential challenges. This one does need a bit of tweaking to be valuable when you are considering a long-term relationship. Mental and physical well-being should be regarded as key ingredients to success. And if either of you is ignoring your health or don’t consider it a priority, you really are risking your marriage, as well. Place a real priority on keeping your physical and mental health.

c.    You have drive, determination, patience and a positive attitude. Enough said.

d.    Failures don’t defeat you. You learn from your mistakes. In marriage, I believe this is crucial. After 26 years, Martin and I have made many mistakes. If we didn’t have a real desire to succeed in our relationship, we probably would have failed at it. But maybe more important than wanting to keep going is learning from mistakes and making appropriate changes. Changing to meet the needs of the relationship in its present form is crucial to success.

Point No. 2: Another reason businesses fail is poor management. Lacking expertise in the areas of financing, purchasing, process or dealing with employees is a major downfall for many businesses. It is for marriage as well.

We know that financial issues are a main source of discontent in marriage. So many folks don’t know how to budget, plan and purchase when they reach adulthood. This is a major factor in marital problems. And when it comes to management, knowing how to manage children is a crucial factor in succeeding at marriage.

Under poor management, Schaefer also cites neglect. How often have you heard that a relationship fell apart because one partner simply lost touch with the needs of the other? Or both partners simply stopped thinking about and caring for the relationship. Businesses can fail when they are neglected by their principals; marriages certainly do.

Schaefer also mentions a poor work climate. Do you focus on creating the best possible home environment for your family? Virginia Satir, a pioneer in family therapy, wrote that designing a home environment where the family members want to spend time should be a major priority in every family’s life.

Point No. 3: Insufficient capital is another factor in business failure. If we’ve learned one thing from this Great Recession, it’s that families who got into houses they couldn’t afford are a great risk emotionally and physically. The decision to have children has a huge economic impact on a couple. Did you consider that when you decided to begin your family? Is your family sufficiently capitalized?

The ancient Greeks understood that life might best be described as a hero’s journey–a series of unfolding challenges and opportunities, in which the protagonist succeeds through skill, cunning and bravery in the face of adversity. Schaefer’s reasons for business failure reveal that we often lack the skill or strength (material, mental or physical) to overcome the obstacles that line our path.

The same is true of marriage. Success on this hero’s journey requires indefatigable effort, skill, attention and, sometimes, bravery. Avoiding the common pitfalls can help to determine your success.

Categories
Articles

How to Brand Your Personal Partnership

Apply a standard business principle to make a lasting marriage.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   02/12/2010

Branding. That ubiquitous marketing buzzword. Every business wants a brand; many businesses invest heavily in developing, promoting and growing their brands. Martin and I have created a business devoted to building strong, magnetic brands. So it got me thinking: Is there anything in the discipline of branding that might benefit a relationship?

The more I explored the question, the more interesting it became. Many folks have told me that Martin and I are a unique couple. They point to our ability to work together successfully. They marvel that for years we shared an office, working across a partners’ desk. Even now, our offices are separated only by a sliding door that remains open but for the quietest conversations.

There are, after all, some rather famous couple brands. How about Brangelina? Those political Clintons? The ever-expanding Duggars?

In our brand strategy work, we help our clients identify and validate attributes that are unique, sustainable, competitive advantages. It’s hard work, but it yields the foundation for their brands.

The first filter is to determine and highlight what is unique about the product or service. For Martin and me, it is clearly our desire and ability to partner on so many levels. What is unique about your relationship? This is a fun question to ask over a glass of wine. When I think about this question, I also think about how Martin and I were very young when we married. I was 20; I could get married but not drink in a bar.

I also think about our courtship. We dated six weeks before we were engaged;10 days later, Martin flew to Southeast Asia, where he spent the next six months. Not every couple has this for their courtship story!

Having established those unique bits about your relationship, now ask yourself, “What is sustainable about our relationship?” This is a tougher question. When I look at how young we were when we married, I can hardly say this attribute is terribly sustainable. I recently learned that while half of marriages end in divorce, the success rate for couples wedding in their teens or early 20s dips even lower–to about 35 percent success.

Certainly the fact that we had a short courtship is not the sustaining thread that has brought us to our 26th anniversary.

But that impulse to partner, to work together closely in most areas of life–that, I would say, is definitely a key to our ability to sustain our marriage.

So now I’m left with one attribute that might “brand” my marriage. Will it pass the last test? Is it a competitive advantage? When we talk about products and services, we’re really talking about how desirable the brand is to the marketplace. Does the market really value this and will people purchase based on this attribute? So for the sake of our relationship discussion, I’ll put it this way: Is this something that other couples might value or desire to have in their own relationships?

Based on qualitative research (all the comments I’ve received over the years I’ve been in business and marriage with Martin), I’d have to say that this ability and desire to deeply partner is an advantage. As life and people develop, they can find themselves drifting apart toward disparate goals and aspirations.

Martin and I have, for better or for worse, been forced to stay in very close, focused alignment about our future. I remember a financial advisor telling us that we had a better chance of succeeding in a business partnership than most because the key to a successful business partnership is to hold the same future vision for the company. Since our future is always intrinsically linked, our chances of holding that marriage together are also greater, I believe.

So the Martin and Melissa brand might be summed up as a marriage in which we partner to bring about the best possible life for ourselves and our family; and we couldn’t do it as well without each other.

We even have a tagline. When we were engaged (those first 10 days before Martin flew away), we assured each other that we were going to have “A Sky Blue Life.” It was a literary reference to what we recall was a Guy de Maupassant story, though we cannot find it now. A Sky Blue Life is full of promise, has no limits and is mostly sunny. Sure it’s the work of a couple of starry-eyed 20-year-olds. But I still love the ideal, and it suits us perfectly, even today.

So what’s your relationship brand? Try your own brand-definition project using our unique, sustainable, competitive advantage filter.

Uncovering the brand within is always affirming and energizing for a business leadership team. The same can be true for you and your partner. What a beautiful Valentine’s Day gift to give to one another. Over those chocolates, explore the foundations of your personal relationship brand. It really will make for a Happy Valentine’s Day.

Categories
Articles

Give Your Relationship a Real Review

You do it for your business, so why not for your home life? Assess your accomplishments and set new goals now.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   01/13/2010

It’s 2010. A new year, a fresh start. And at most businesses around the country, folks are engaged in that sacred ritual: the annual performance review. You can’t argue with the logic behind a yearly sit-down to look over the accomplishments of the past year, identify areas to improve and craft a plan for the next 12 months. Done well, the annual review is an opportunity to think clearly about the big picture, recommit to goals and create a fresh start for the year.

Does the annual review have a role in the Business of Marriage?

Martin and I have conducted our own personal annual review for years–ever since our life insurance agent suggested it more than two decades ago. We formed the habit of going beyond setting New Year’s resolutions to writing down our goals and vision for the marriage and family. We set our household budget, determine areas in our personal lives that need improvement and even plan our vacations.

The notes we take from these meetings go into a file folder. Then comes the fun part. We put them away for the year. When we pull out the notes from the last review, we’re always amazed at how many of the goals we acted on. And if we don’t get to a certain item, we reassess its relative merit and either include it in the next year’s plan or ditch it. Perhaps it wasn’t that important.

These reviews represent some of the most productive and meaningful conversations we’ve had. Unlike the traditional employee review, we don’t review each other. Rather, each of us sticks to discussion and evaluation of our own experiences. Just listen to the other–especially when making observations about problems or failures.

Here is the outline of our annual review meeting held each January:

•    A Review of the Past Year

◦    Look over the notes from the last review and annual goal-setting exercise:

▪    What did you accomplish personally, and as a couple, that you are proud of?

▪    What frustrated you?

▪    Where do you think you could improve?

•    A Look at the Year Ahead

◦    What do you want to accomplish?

◦    How will you work together to accomplish this plan?

◦    Just as we would do at the office, we break our look ahead into categories–such as

personal growth, health and wellness, children, finances and vacation.

•    Budget Review and Resetting

◦    As with businesses, how you deploy your financial resources is a reflection of your

values, principles and mission.

◦    Now is the time to ensure that your money and your principles remain in

alignment.

◦    This meeting is also a great time to look over your relationship’s mission statement

or create one if you haven’t done it before.

One practice is an absolute must. Regardless of whether you’ll refer back to your plans and statements, you must write them down. Writing your goals and objectives brings them from the world of thought into the physical world–the first, necessary step in seeing them manifest in your actual life.

Business guru Peter Drucker said, “Plans are only good intentions unless they immediately degenerate into hard work.” We might paraphrase and say, “A goal is but a wish unless you write it down and first bring it into the world.”

The Great Recession of 2009 delivered a really tough year to many businesses and families. Years like this can create an environment of stress and anger–not the best frame of mind for the annual review. If you are finding yourself in this situation as a couple, the following activity for the new year can be a really great way to clear out the anger, let a little forgiveness in and start the year right.

Individually, write down your disappointments, grievances, regrets. Let yourself go. Really get into this. You can use all the expletives, nasty descriptors and unfair advantages you need to express yourself. Take your time and get it all down.

Now fold that paper up, take those notes to the nearest flame (fireplace, outdoor grill, campfire). Look at each other and say, “This was real. These feelings were valid. I’m releasing them and I’m releasing our relationship from them.” Then burn those suckers up! It’s over. It’s 2010. Time to commit to moving on.

Now do that annual review in this frame of mind. And see what happens!