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Plan Your Marriage’s Ideal Future

You evaluate dangers, opportunities and strengths for your business. Why not apply those principles to your marriage?

By: Melissa Thoma   |   12/24/2010

In our brand-marketing business, we are keenly aware that in order to maintain relationships with our clients we must continually create value that helps them advance, grow and meet their goals. To define “value,” we’ve come to rely on The D.O.S. Conversation (Dangers, Opportunities and Strengths) tool from Dan Sullivan’s entrepreneurial development program.

But can this practice be used in our personal lives as well?

First, we ask our client to visualize in detail an immensely satisfying future for himself or herself — casting the frame three years ahead. We then ask them to inventory the greatest dangers they face in reaching this bright future. From there, we investigate present opportunities and inventory the strengths they perceive now within their current organization. As we create a marketing communications plan for clients, we define strategies to systematically remedy dangers, capitalize on opportunities and leverage strengths.

I was reviewing a recent D.O.S. conversation with a client when I had a small epiphany — about my life partner, Martin. “I should be highly motivated to add value to his life and help him create his best future,” I thought. “Why don’t I have a D.O.S. conversation with him?”

Making it Personal

So on a recent business trip, I took advantage of a few spare hours I had alone in the car with Martin and conducted the D.O.S. interview. Martin described an ideal future in which there were no vestiges of The Great Recession in our business. We had the resources to travel, save, grow and otherwise feel free of cash-flow stress. We had partners at Thoma Thoma who were sharing the load of ownership and creating space for Martin to write another book and for me to complete my first one. Martin described himself meeting the emotional and physical needs of our family. We’ll be empty nesters and out from under most of the expenses related to college.

Dangers to achieving this picture included some powerful material. Supporting and caring for our parents might put this future at risk. (A good reminder to formulate a plan with our siblings for this eventual reality.) Furthermore, as we experience an empty nest, we could grow apart rather than regain our identity as a couple — becoming “more partner, less spouse.”

We also talked about the danger associated with either of us or a child becoming sick. This exploration might not sound like fun, but we found it motivating to seriously consider measures we could take now that would lessen these risk factors.

Next, we identified many opportunities for ourselves as a couple. There will be fewer child-rearing expenses and less responsibility, as well as more freedom to explore personal interests such as traveling and writing. We love to mentor, and we foresee opportunity to be a powerful influence in the lives of young people in our area schools and universities.

Naming our strengths — including health, relative wealth and great friendships — was humbling and encouraging. Our ideal future is achievable. It is well within our ability to realize, even through the dangers that threaten to throw us off course. We just need a clear plan and path.

Charting the Course

That is the next step in the D.O.S. Conversation. Sullivan suggests that while the conversation itself is valuable and insightful, the resulting plan and path derived from this wealth of material are the vehicles that truly deliver value to the relationship.

I’ve seen the excitement in the eyes of our clients as they receive our suggestions for achieving their ideal futures and overcoming the obstacles to their business success. My goal is to provide such a plan and path to Martin and see how he reacts to my thoughts.

I have to admit that this exercise has inspired me to think deeply about my marriage and my future as Martin’s wife. It’s easy after 27 years to go on autopilot. What’s working keeps working, and what isn’t working gets pushed under the rug. The risk is that any danger trigger can send the ugly stuff shooting out from hiding and morph it into a monstrous, deal-breaking issue.

The structure of the conversation gave us a reason to stop long enough to evaluate our life situation. The plan and path can give us the impetus to act on the material that we know is important but doesn’t feel urgent.

I’ll share my plan and path with Martin and report the results to you in my next column. Based on my initial experience, I can recommend the D.O.S. Conversation as a valuable tool for any partnership — marriage included.

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Marriage By Memo

You put everything on paper and assign action items at work. Why don’t you do that with your family at home?

By: Melissa Thoma   |   10/15/2010

In business, 90 percent of success boils down to clear communication. The quality of communication between customer and company predicts the quality of client service. We rely on accurate communications to make agreements, give instructions, strike deals and negotiate compensation. The wheels of any organization can fall off if communication gets bungled, boggled or blown.

Most of the verbal exchanges made in the business environment are reiterated or enhanced by written communications. I give verbal instructions to my teammates regarding client feedback and then follow up with an e-mail. After our weekly client meetings, we follow up immediately with action items detailing agreements, accountabilities and deadlines. We shake hands over a contract we’ve initialed. We take notes during a meeting and then distribute those to the group afterward. We do all of this because we understand that clear communication makes the wheels go round. Without it, we’re out of a job.

So just how important is clear communication in a marriage or long-term relationship? A column by Thom W. Conroy says it well: “In any relationship, the cornerstone of understanding another human being lies in the ability to communicate and, lacking this, a relationship is superficial in nature at best.” Since marriage is no “superficial relationship,” I’m on solid ground claiming that clear communication is an absolute imperative.

So why don’t we take another page from the playbook of business and bring more written backup into our marriages? Wouldn’t that take us far in increasing clarity and understanding?

When you sit down to talk about something important with your partner, how often do you take notes? As I think about this, I’m struck by my completely habitual note-taking during any business conversation. I walk around Thoma Thoma with a small orange notebook (because orange makes me happy) and scribble notes about every conversation I have. And it’s a pretty good thing, because more often than not, I find myself returning to those notes to clarify a detail or date that slipped my mind — or to see if I promised to do something I have now forgotten. It’s a lifesaver. I think my larger-than-wanted posterior is due to the extremely effective way my note-taking covers my backside.

But at home, I rarely take notes. I rely on my perimenopausal brain to remember everything (which is dangerous). And without that pen-to-paper effort, I just might not be listening quite as carefully to what Martin is saying.

Have you ever written up a contract with your child? Funny — we negotiate with our kids all day, every day, to greater or lesser effect. But if you have ever drafted a written agreement about, say, use of the car or the weekend curfew, you might have noticed that those agreements seem to stick more often. They do in my house, anyway. And it’s hard for a preadolescent to argue that he or she didn’t understand that midnight did not mean “any time convenient between 12 and 1 a.m.” when you have talked through a written document and then both signed it.

At Thoma Thoma, action items are the lifeblood of the agency. A wise consultant once taught us that breakdowns at work usually happen when “you don’t fulfill a request I didn’t make.” He reiterates that true agreements require a clear request, a clear consent to the request, consensus on criteria for completion and a deadline. Action items are the written response to agreements made during meetings and interactions. They involve the action, the person responsible and the deadline. These are effective, hard-working documents that ease stress, grease the wheels, reduce conflict and clarify conversations.

Man, why haven’t I ever used action items at home? I’m thinking about this because recently I raced out of town with so little prep time that I missed any kind of conversation with Martin or my son Sam about what needed to happen in my absence and who needed to do what to cover all the bases. So I wrote a long, detailed memo to Martin and Sam and e-mailed it. Just for good measure, I printed it and posted it where they would be sure to see it . . . right on their dinner plates.

Guess what? I got home to find the printed memo all marked up. It had aided their suppertime discussion and planning for the following days without mom. It was marked up with notes about who would do what. Items were systematically checked off. Everyone was fed, clothed, washed, entertained, caught up on school and work. It was wonderful. No harried, nagging conversation between two adults who are on their way out the door for the day and really are only able to track about half of the information being downloaded. Just a memo. Sweet.

So that’s it! I’m going to start using action items to keep my boys in the know about who expects what and when. That’s just good communication.

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Judge–But Don’t Be Judgmental

Leave out the emotion. Look at your data objectively to determine the best course of action.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   09/14/2010

Anyone who owns or manages a business knows that making tough decisions is at the core of the job. And in a milieu marked by instantaneous communication and the strain of recession, the decisions just keep getting more difficult.

Those same stressors affect our personal lives and relationships. How do we get the job done at home when we are busier than ever, unable (or unwilling) to disconnect from the constant stream of incoming communications and faced with the reality or threat of fewer resources? It’s a perfect storm. A tough decision can suddenly turn home into a battlefield where each partner is wounded by friendly fire.

Recent business decisions confronting Martin and me have required more attention, negotiation and granularity than ever before. The stakes are high; we don’t have a cushy net. Needless to say, it’s made for interesting pillow talk.

We’re forging ahead by using a principle we (or at least my husband) only recently identified: We must act with discernment, not

judgment. Just what does that mean?

Here’s my line of thought.

On the face of it, a judgment should be a fair and accurate weighing of the evidence to determine an outcome. In a court of law, evidence is presented and a judgment, or decision, is made. However, there is another kind of “judgment”: the act of judging people, facts, situations or experiences through the discoloring lens of emotion, opinion or your own personal baggage. Think “judgmental.” That little “al” tacked onto a perfectly appropriate decision-making tool can mess up a decision–and a relationship–very quickly.

When emotion and personal opinion take over, we can become judgmental. We blame others and take problems personally. Not a good frame of mind for making high-quality, high-stakes decisions.

Call to mind an experience in which you and your partner held opposing opinions about a topic. Say you want to spend spring break on the sunny beaches of Cozumel. In your opinion the best, most delightful, most exciting and economical way to get there is by cruise liner. Your partner’s opinion is that cruise liners are the most boring, claustrophobic, snail-paced way to get to the Mexican Riviera. Who is right? How will you decide? What is that conversation going to be like?

If you attempt to decide using these very emotional and personal opinions, you’ll likely end up not just disagreeing but fighting. You’ll either end up at home for spring break because you couldn’t reach a decision, or the decision will be so charged that one of you will be burning up on the beach . . . and not from the subtropical sun.

Now let’s talk about discernment. What I’m referring to here is the ability to look at objective information or inputs and determine the best course of action. This means slowing down to gather as much objective data as possible. You would determine in great detail what a successful outcome for the decision would look like, and then use the inputs to discern what course of action will come closest to creating the optimal outcome. In my experience, this approach simply requires–first and foremost–an agreement between the partners that you will approach the material with discernment and not judgment.

All right, now let’s plan a vacation. Using discernment, we first agree that we want to go on vacation for one week over spring break. We agree that Mexico, specifically Cozumel or a similar beach, is the destination and that we would like to enjoy the journey, as well as the destination. We look at our budget; how much are we willing and able to spend? What are our optimal arrival and departure times? How do we want to deal with food? Entertainment?

Armed with this level of information, and agreement, you might come to the conclusion that the cruise really is the best way to meet the majority of your desires for the money. Or perhaps the facts point away from a cruise toward a vacation package at a trendy, all-inclusive resort. Either way, if you approach the options without being judgmental, it’s more likely you’ll be able to discern a decision that is agreeable to both of you. Martin and I have seen this work time and again. We’ll be caught up in making some pretty hefty judgments, back up and dig out some objective facts or data, come back to our decision without holding so tightly to our precious opinions and–voilà–the decision is clear and acceptable to both of us.

In decision making, details matter and facts matter. Discernment is an internal process. Good decision making is a dance in which we can use our guiding principles to filter through the data to reach the best decision. Self-management guru Stephen Covey calls it “integrity in the moment of choice.”

So the next time you and your partner find yourselves caught in a situation that has led to an argument, you might try asking, “Are we making a proper judgment, or is there a bit of the judgmental involved in this?” Try backing up and starting from scratch with more information and less opinion. Reaching your decision through discernment may yield a way forward that makes you both happy–and happier with each other.

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Marriage Pays

Being married is good for the bottom line. We explore possible reasons behind this finding.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   08/18/2010

It turns out, according to the Census Bureau, that lasting marriages create more wealth for their partners than single life. A 15-year study of 9,000 people found that those who married and stayed married during that time built up nearly twice the net worth of people who stayed single. In fact, married couples realized the equivalent of an extra 4 percent of income growth annually.

What accounts for this marked difference in wealth creation? Nothing jumps out in the data, but several things jump out at me as I think about my own marriage. First off, if both people in the marriage are working, they’re likely making more than a single individual would make. But there are other considerations, as well.

For example, it’s just common sense that two people live more efficiently together than separately. And two people who are intimately connected feel comfortable sharing more than the average set of roommates shares. It’s just more reasonable to share large expenses like cars, homes, vacation rentals and major appliances with the person we plan to be with for the lifetime of the purchase.

And then there is the motivation factor. Part of the juice behind marriage is the drive to set goals and achieve dreams with the help and support of a lifelong partner. We know that reaching goals is greatly helped by being accountable to a group rather than simply depending on yourself. Behavioral change programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Weight Watchers are successful largely because of the extra support that comes with being accountable to a group. Wealth-building is a slow, difficult process that requires judgment and perseverance. Having the accountability and support of a spouse surely adds to the success of the endeavor.

How about the added resources of marriage? Marriage brings a network of familial support in the form of parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews who all know something or someone who can help you along the way. As often as we might feel life would be easier without all that additional family, we have to accept that the larger network of folks who are invested in our marriage are also invested in our future and our goals.

As I think about my marriage, I am struck that Martin and I co-created almost every major piece of intellectual property that we have used to generate income. Each of us looks at the world a little differently. When we bring those complementary outlooks together, we usually hit on a solution that is better than what we would have arrived at individually. That’s the beauty of shared resources. None of us knows it all. A couple can create more and better together.

Martin and I have a little saying that there are no unreasonable goals, only unrealistic time frames. And we often remind ourselves and our staff that while the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, most often we tend to zigzag to our goals. Life just doesn’t work as neatly as math. But one little observation I’ve made about being married to Martin is that when I am about to zig, sometimes Martin stops me before I zig too far. And when Martin is about to zag, I’m usually the one who can catch it and catch him. Perhaps that means that by working together toward common goals, we can forge a little straighter path for ourselves and get there a bit faster. Maybe that is contributing to our wealth-generating ability.

The nasty recession, coupled with the responsibilities of college-educating our kids and equipping the family with motor vehicles, insurance and the like have left me feeling as if our wealth-generating efforts are largely going flat. But where will I look to shore up our savings and regenerate lost income from investments that are no longer earning what they used to? To Martin, of course. To my marriage. And I know that two of us working together will certainly make a bigger impact than I could alone.

I’m also struck by how much more effective any wealth generation effort is when couples use the practices that work inside a viable business. Nobody creates and keeps wealth without a sound financial plan. Every couple should understand the basics of agreement, shared vision, budgeting and planning. These tools make the marital business more successful.

So it goes without saying that if marriage is good business, then business can be good for marriage. And it is gratifying to know there are benefits beyond the obvious when you choose to make a lifelong commitment to another person.

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What If ‘Wife’ Were a Job Title?

The job description is long and complicated. Where can you turn for training?

By: Melissa Thoma   |   06/11/2010

Position available: Wife. Starts immediately.

A recent project updating our company’s job descriptions has me thinking about a title I hold: wife. After all, as anyone who has done it will tell you, being married is a job. What if I were charged with creating a job description for this role and posting it the major job sites? What might that look like? Let’s see.

Job Title:

Life Mate, Manager of Spousal Relationships for Family Unit.

Sounds impressive. But obviously a small enterprise and not a Fortune 500 play.

Position Posting:

Family unit seeks female senior executive for full-time (we’re talking all the time) development of intimate relationships, nurture, care and feeding of mate and offspring. This exciting and creative venture seeks to execute a multigenerational strategy of developing the highest possible quality of life through shared resources and support. The very life and happiness of team members will be the responsibility of the Life Mate, who will leverage her skills in communications and negotiation to ensure the health of the primary couple relationship and the proper development of junior staff.

The Life Mate must pledge her permanent fidelity to the enterprise and must be willing to assign all assets and available resources to the job.

Wow . . . this sounds like hard work! I hope it pays well.

Responsibilities include:

• Willingness to relocate anywhere and everywhere that opportunity may take the

business unit

• Feeding, clothing, housing and primary care of the company and its staff

• Development and coordination of schedules that accommodate all parties

• Continuous guidance, mentoring, development, discipline and management of

junior staff

Resources Provided:

• None. All resources are the responsibility of the jobholder.

Termination Conditions:

This is a right-to-work state, meaning that the jobholder may be asked to leave at any time with or without cause.

Qualifications:

• No experience required; just the desire to hold the position.

• No experience required with management or mentoring of junior staff.

• No experience required with setting or keeping budgets.

• No experience required in managing households or maintaining property.

• No prior experience in the bedroom necessary, but good skills are appreciated.

Benefits:

Although vacation, health insurance, life insurance and other basic benefits are the responsibility of the jobholder, certain tangible and intangible benefits accrue:

• Research indicates that people employed in this position may live longer than their

single counterparts.

• Research indicates that for many people, successful engagement in the enterprise

yields high levels of life satisfaction.

Would you take this job? Better yet, are you qualified? Clearly there are no true qualifications necessary, yet the job itself may be the most complicated position you’ll ever hold. In business there is typically a well-defined way in which to prepare yourself for a job with such daunting responsibilities. Once again, the business world can teach some relationship skills.

The first requirement of preparing for a complex job is education. There are amazing resources on relationships, marriage and family for any willing candidate to tap. One of the most instructive books I’ve read on marriage and relationships is Harville Hendrix’s Getting the Love You Want. Hendrix presents his theory of Imago relationship therapy and practical, actionable advice for couples.

The best resource I’ve ever read for family dynamics and developing a healthy family culture is the late Virginia Satir’s The New Peoplemaking. Satir was a pioneer in family counseling. This one book is a master’s degree in organizational development for the family.

J. Zink is an author and lecturer who taught Martin and me the method we used for disciplining our young children. His system:

• Have no more than five rules at a time.

• Create simple, clear rewards and consequences for following or breaking those

rules.

• Post them on the refrigerator, review them daily with your kids, reward and enforce

religiously.

We didn’t try to make it up as we went along. We didn’t just do what our parents did. We researched a method that made sense and felt right for us, then learned and followed it. It worked. My teenage and young-adult kids still talk about how simple and effective this system was in guiding their development.

Then there is training. You are never really expected to land at a desk and just start working without some job training. Why shouldn’t the same be true of marriage? For instance, how many relationships have failed because the couple were woefully untrained in household finances? We know financial stress is a huge risk issue for relationships. Where’s the MBA–Marriage Business and Administration?

Communications is another area that all of us need some real coaching in. Why don’t we make that training a priority? There is a good assessment tool on what we call emotional intelligence at TalentSmart.com. EI is the ability to understand the emotional landscape in communications and relationships, and to respond appropriately. This assessment can be accessed online, and training can follow.

How about internships? Effective candidates can use the period of dating and courting to gain skills in relationship development and management, not just swim in a sea of love hormones. (Disclosure: I did not take my own advice. I became engaged to Martin after mere weeks at the lovesick age of 19.)

And speaking of internships, my daughter, Claire, has gotten more than her feet wet in family life experience as a nanny to multiple kids of multiple ages during her undergraduate studies at Wellesley College. She may have done it primarily for the extra cash, but the real-life experience of keeping kids and learning to discipline and care for babies and toddlers has her believing that the best incentive for proper birth control is taking care of somebody else’s children.

Looking at this job posting makes me realize how woefully under-prepared I was to enter into the Business of Marriage. Thank goodness I was never fired, had some on-the-job training and received a generous compensation in unconditional love. I’m glad I took the job.