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Give Your Relationship a Real Review

You do it for your business, so why not for your home life? Assess your accomplishments and set new goals now.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   01/13/2010

It’s 2010. A new year, a fresh start. And at most businesses around the country, folks are engaged in that sacred ritual: the annual performance review. You can’t argue with the logic behind a yearly sit-down to look over the accomplishments of the past year, identify areas to improve and craft a plan for the next 12 months. Done well, the annual review is an opportunity to think clearly about the big picture, recommit to goals and create a fresh start for the year.

Does the annual review have a role in the Business of Marriage?

Martin and I have conducted our own personal annual review for years–ever since our life insurance agent suggested it more than two decades ago. We formed the habit of going beyond setting New Year’s resolutions to writing down our goals and vision for the marriage and family. We set our household budget, determine areas in our personal lives that need improvement and even plan our vacations.

The notes we take from these meetings go into a file folder. Then comes the fun part. We put them away for the year. When we pull out the notes from the last review, we’re always amazed at how many of the goals we acted on. And if we don’t get to a certain item, we reassess its relative merit and either include it in the next year’s plan or ditch it. Perhaps it wasn’t that important.

These reviews represent some of the most productive and meaningful conversations we’ve had. Unlike the traditional employee review, we don’t review each other. Rather, each of us sticks to discussion and evaluation of our own experiences. Just listen to the other–especially when making observations about problems or failures.

Here is the outline of our annual review meeting held each January:

•    A Review of the Past Year

◦    Look over the notes from the last review and annual goal-setting exercise:

▪    What did you accomplish personally, and as a couple, that you are proud of?

▪    What frustrated you?

▪    Where do you think you could improve?

•    A Look at the Year Ahead

◦    What do you want to accomplish?

◦    How will you work together to accomplish this plan?

◦    Just as we would do at the office, we break our look ahead into categories–such as

personal growth, health and wellness, children, finances and vacation.

•    Budget Review and Resetting

◦    As with businesses, how you deploy your financial resources is a reflection of your

values, principles and mission.

◦    Now is the time to ensure that your money and your principles remain in

alignment.

◦    This meeting is also a great time to look over your relationship’s mission statement

or create one if you haven’t done it before.

One practice is an absolute must. Regardless of whether you’ll refer back to your plans and statements, you must write them down. Writing your goals and objectives brings them from the world of thought into the physical world–the first, necessary step in seeing them manifest in your actual life.

Business guru Peter Drucker said, “Plans are only good intentions unless they immediately degenerate into hard work.” We might paraphrase and say, “A goal is but a wish unless you write it down and first bring it into the world.”

The Great Recession of 2009 delivered a really tough year to many businesses and families. Years like this can create an environment of stress and anger–not the best frame of mind for the annual review. If you are finding yourself in this situation as a couple, the following activity for the new year can be a really great way to clear out the anger, let a little forgiveness in and start the year right.

Individually, write down your disappointments, grievances, regrets. Let yourself go. Really get into this. You can use all the expletives, nasty descriptors and unfair advantages you need to express yourself. Take your time and get it all down.

Now fold that paper up, take those notes to the nearest flame (fireplace, outdoor grill, campfire). Look at each other and say, “This was real. These feelings were valid. I’m releasing them and I’m releasing our relationship from them.” Then burn those suckers up! It’s over. It’s 2010. Time to commit to moving on.

Now do that annual review in this frame of mind. And see what happens!