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Marriage Is a Merger, Not an Acquisition

Like companies combining cultures, couples need to plot out their merger.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   12/18/2009

Acquisition: [noun] The act of acquiring or gaining a possession

Merger: [noun] The combination of entities from two to one

Which is marriage, “merger” or “acquisition?” Seems like a simple question with an obvious answer.

We don’t “acquire” a spouse, we “merge” as a couple. “Two become one,” as the mantra goes.

As I reflect on the Business of Marriage, however, I’m not so sure our typical expectations really jibe with that cut-and-dried answer. Half of marriages fail. Could the M&A question have anything to do with that? Can business teach us any useful relationship lessons? I believe it can.

Acquiring a business is a relatively straightforward way to grow an enterprise, diversify your offerings or even become an entrepreneur in the first place. The objective is quite simple: to gain possession of the business and its assets–people, processes, equipment and revenue streams.

Once you acquire, you control: Its future, its culture, its operations are yours to decide. You’ve added an important asset to your balance sheet. The future is exciting.

I recall the early years of marriage. My desire to be married and my understanding of what a marriage would bring were, should I say, acquisitive. All I could think of was “getting my man!” Oh, the bounty of love and romance that would be mine as a married woman. A big warm toaster oven in bed every night. Kisses each morning. I could have a baby if I wanted. I would have someone to spend the rest of my life with! I don’t recall spending much time thinking about the reality of a “merged” life with Martin.

In business, mergers are easily understood in theory–and devilishly hard to achieve in reality. Some say mergers have only about a 30 percent success rate. And it makes sense. In a merger, no one entity gets to dominate the equation. A new business is being created from the two that preceded it. What happens to the old systems, processes and cultures of the two previous businesses? New ones have to be constructed, blending the highest and best of each single entity into some sort of new and agreed-upon design. Some of this work is natural and organic; much is intentional and negotiated. Sounds like a marriage, doesn’t it?

So how do you “merge” successfully? You have to understand that operating as a unit looks entirely different from operating as two individual entities. Companies that succeed with mergers follow a few fundamentals.

Establish the cultural mores, values and principles that will govern the joined business. Just like companies, people come to their unions with all their own “stuff.” Successful companies sort this stuff out going into the deal. Couples can, too.

What must change for the sake of the merger? To be successful together, Martin and I agreed to give up yelling, something that was a fairly regular occurrence in my family but that didn’t sit well with Martin. We also determined not to spank our children. This would be better for us, even if it demanded more patience and more creative ways of dealing with the kids.

Something may work fine for me, but how should we do it? Really think about using the merger as an opportunity to create a culture that is truly supportive of the marriage–and not just the individuals within it. That may mean sharing more financially than you might otherwise, or realigning how the household is run. As Tim Gunn, host of Project Runway, wisely advises, “Make it work!”

Parenting is an area that can stir up all kinds of conflict as couples attempt to face the challenge. If the two of you were raised very differently, it stands to reason that trying to create a united front and parent effectively can be challenging.

Develop an integration plan. Slow down. Merging companies takes time, thought and real communication. Great advice for any couple considering a lifetime merger. Acknowledge the redundancies and make a plan for how you will deal with them. Don’t let the changes take you by surprise or anger you. They’re inevitable. Companies are really smart about this, and generating “economies of scale” is often a primary driver for merging in the first place. Couples, on the other hand, are more likely just to fight about it.

Identify the boundaries between “me” and “we.” This is one of the most important areas to work on consciously. Think about it this way. If you’re a Suburban and he’s a coupe, are you going to be a new-fangled crossover? Or will you agree to merge onto the highway of life together and maintain your separate identities? Understanding what marriage means in terms of your identity is a crucial discussion you need to have. How much freedom will you agree to give one another? What is “too merged?”

Deploy a strong internal communications program. Successful business mergers have great internal communications programs that keep employees apprised of what’s happening, when and why. We all know the importance of communications to a great relationship. Consider adding an intentionally designed program of communication around the question, “How’s our merger doing?” Useful topics can be: “Is our merger producing the desired results?” “How is ’employee morale,’ ” “Are the ‘corporate cultures’ integrating or creating power struggles?” And so forth.

Allocate resources intentionally. Businesses and marriages have finite resources–house, time, money, “stuff,” holidays and vacation days. There are a lot of things that can be sorted consciously:

Households: Where do we live? What do we keep and what do we trash? Whose

bed stays? Whose beloved great aunt’s china do we keep? Don’t even think about the

Barcalounger.

Holidays: Whose traditions are honored? Whom do we spend the holidays with

and where?

Finances: The free credit report guy is right: It pays to know your lover’s credit

score. How will we set up our bank accounts?

Household duties: This is where a guy can sometimes mistake merger for

acquisition, believing he is gaining a cook and bottle-washer.

Time: It’s priceless and no longer all yours . . . it’s a shared resource to be

bargained for and jointly managed.

Merging businesses understand that all of these resource allocations should be made for the good of the whole, and not for one or the other of the merging entities. Couples don’t necessarily adopt this attitude.

Are you tired yet? Marriage, like business, is hard work. All the happiness, contentment and self-realization produced by a high-performance relationship isn’t something you “get.” It’s something you create from the giving and receiving of support, love and care. From two individuals, the merger creates a family: an organizational model that supports growth, change, stability and self-discovery.

That’s not a bad asset to have on life’s balance sheet.