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Marriage By Memo

You put everything on paper and assign action items at work. Why don’t you do that with your family at home?

By: Melissa Thoma   |   10/15/2010

In business, 90 percent of success boils down to clear communication. The quality of communication between customer and company predicts the quality of client service. We rely on accurate communications to make agreements, give instructions, strike deals and negotiate compensation. The wheels of any organization can fall off if communication gets bungled, boggled or blown.

Most of the verbal exchanges made in the business environment are reiterated or enhanced by written communications. I give verbal instructions to my teammates regarding client feedback and then follow up with an e-mail. After our weekly client meetings, we follow up immediately with action items detailing agreements, accountabilities and deadlines. We shake hands over a contract we’ve initialed. We take notes during a meeting and then distribute those to the group afterward. We do all of this because we understand that clear communication makes the wheels go round. Without it, we’re out of a job.

So just how important is clear communication in a marriage or long-term relationship? A column by Thom W. Conroy says it well: “In any relationship, the cornerstone of understanding another human being lies in the ability to communicate and, lacking this, a relationship is superficial in nature at best.” Since marriage is no “superficial relationship,” I’m on solid ground claiming that clear communication is an absolute imperative.

So why don’t we take another page from the playbook of business and bring more written backup into our marriages? Wouldn’t that take us far in increasing clarity and understanding?

When you sit down to talk about something important with your partner, how often do you take notes? As I think about this, I’m struck by my completely habitual note-taking during any business conversation. I walk around Thoma Thoma with a small orange notebook (because orange makes me happy) and scribble notes about every conversation I have. And it’s a pretty good thing, because more often than not, I find myself returning to those notes to clarify a detail or date that slipped my mind — or to see if I promised to do something I have now forgotten. It’s a lifesaver. I think my larger-than-wanted posterior is due to the extremely effective way my note-taking covers my backside.

But at home, I rarely take notes. I rely on my perimenopausal brain to remember everything (which is dangerous). And without that pen-to-paper effort, I just might not be listening quite as carefully to what Martin is saying.

Have you ever written up a contract with your child? Funny — we negotiate with our kids all day, every day, to greater or lesser effect. But if you have ever drafted a written agreement about, say, use of the car or the weekend curfew, you might have noticed that those agreements seem to stick more often. They do in my house, anyway. And it’s hard for a preadolescent to argue that he or she didn’t understand that midnight did not mean “any time convenient between 12 and 1 a.m.” when you have talked through a written document and then both signed it.

At Thoma Thoma, action items are the lifeblood of the agency. A wise consultant once taught us that breakdowns at work usually happen when “you don’t fulfill a request I didn’t make.” He reiterates that true agreements require a clear request, a clear consent to the request, consensus on criteria for completion and a deadline. Action items are the written response to agreements made during meetings and interactions. They involve the action, the person responsible and the deadline. These are effective, hard-working documents that ease stress, grease the wheels, reduce conflict and clarify conversations.

Man, why haven’t I ever used action items at home? I’m thinking about this because recently I raced out of town with so little prep time that I missed any kind of conversation with Martin or my son Sam about what needed to happen in my absence and who needed to do what to cover all the bases. So I wrote a long, detailed memo to Martin and Sam and e-mailed it. Just for good measure, I printed it and posted it where they would be sure to see it . . . right on their dinner plates.

Guess what? I got home to find the printed memo all marked up. It had aided their suppertime discussion and planning for the following days without mom. It was marked up with notes about who would do what. Items were systematically checked off. Everyone was fed, clothed, washed, entertained, caught up on school and work. It was wonderful. No harried, nagging conversation between two adults who are on their way out the door for the day and really are only able to track about half of the information being downloaded. Just a memo. Sweet.

So that’s it! I’m going to start using action items to keep my boys in the know about who expects what and when. That’s just good communication.

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Marriage Pays

Being married is good for the bottom line. We explore possible reasons behind this finding.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   08/18/2010

It turns out, according to the Census Bureau, that lasting marriages create more wealth for their partners than single life. A 15-year study of 9,000 people found that those who married and stayed married during that time built up nearly twice the net worth of people who stayed single. In fact, married couples realized the equivalent of an extra 4 percent of income growth annually.

What accounts for this marked difference in wealth creation? Nothing jumps out in the data, but several things jump out at me as I think about my own marriage. First off, if both people in the marriage are working, they’re likely making more than a single individual would make. But there are other considerations, as well.

For example, it’s just common sense that two people live more efficiently together than separately. And two people who are intimately connected feel comfortable sharing more than the average set of roommates shares. It’s just more reasonable to share large expenses like cars, homes, vacation rentals and major appliances with the person we plan to be with for the lifetime of the purchase.

And then there is the motivation factor. Part of the juice behind marriage is the drive to set goals and achieve dreams with the help and support of a lifelong partner. We know that reaching goals is greatly helped by being accountable to a group rather than simply depending on yourself. Behavioral change programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Weight Watchers are successful largely because of the extra support that comes with being accountable to a group. Wealth-building is a slow, difficult process that requires judgment and perseverance. Having the accountability and support of a spouse surely adds to the success of the endeavor.

How about the added resources of marriage? Marriage brings a network of familial support in the form of parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews who all know something or someone who can help you along the way. As often as we might feel life would be easier without all that additional family, we have to accept that the larger network of folks who are invested in our marriage are also invested in our future and our goals.

As I think about my marriage, I am struck that Martin and I co-created almost every major piece of intellectual property that we have used to generate income. Each of us looks at the world a little differently. When we bring those complementary outlooks together, we usually hit on a solution that is better than what we would have arrived at individually. That’s the beauty of shared resources. None of us knows it all. A couple can create more and better together.

Martin and I have a little saying that there are no unreasonable goals, only unrealistic time frames. And we often remind ourselves and our staff that while the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, most often we tend to zigzag to our goals. Life just doesn’t work as neatly as math. But one little observation I’ve made about being married to Martin is that when I am about to zig, sometimes Martin stops me before I zig too far. And when Martin is about to zag, I’m usually the one who can catch it and catch him. Perhaps that means that by working together toward common goals, we can forge a little straighter path for ourselves and get there a bit faster. Maybe that is contributing to our wealth-generating ability.

The nasty recession, coupled with the responsibilities of college-educating our kids and equipping the family with motor vehicles, insurance and the like have left me feeling as if our wealth-generating efforts are largely going flat. But where will I look to shore up our savings and regenerate lost income from investments that are no longer earning what they used to? To Martin, of course. To my marriage. And I know that two of us working together will certainly make a bigger impact than I could alone.

I’m also struck by how much more effective any wealth generation effort is when couples use the practices that work inside a viable business. Nobody creates and keeps wealth without a sound financial plan. Every couple should understand the basics of agreement, shared vision, budgeting and planning. These tools make the marital business more successful.

So it goes without saying that if marriage is good business, then business can be good for marriage. And it is gratifying to know there are benefits beyond the obvious when you choose to make a lifelong commitment to another person.

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Master the Art of Partner Negotiation

Strengthen your relationship by negotiating to a win-win deal every single time.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   06/14/2009

We approach our work relationships with the natural understanding that we’ll be assigning or receiving tasks, setting goals, giving/getting rewards and determining our future in business through the process of negotiation. But we often fail to realize the extent to which we need this skill at home with our partners or children.

I recently attended a workshop on effective business negotiations, offered by one of my clients. The seminar featured Deepak Molhotra, associate professor at the Harvard School of Business. My husband Martin and I participated in a role-play activity simulating a buy-sell negotiation for a piece of land to be developed. Our negotiation was quick, simple and straightforward. More than 100 pairs of negotiators squared off in that class. When the speaker revealed the dollar range of all the different agreements, I laughed. At either end of the spectrum, the buyer or seller could have exclaimed, “I was robbed.” But neither Martin nor I had out-negotiated the other. There were no losers in the deal, only winners.

That may not be the best way to negotiate in business. Depending on the situation, you may decide to negotiate to a clear advantage. An article on the Mind Tools website makes a good point: “Where you do not expect to deal with people ever again and you do not need their goodwill, then it may be appropriate to play hardball.” But as Molhotra pointed out, the process of negotiation is every bit as important as the outcome, because it’s how you feel at the end that will determine whether you have a future opportunity with that partner.

When it comes to negotiating with your life partner, I’d wager that you’ll be dealing with each other again, so why not determine that every negotiation should produce only winners and strengthen the relationship? Sadly, a lot of folks just want to play hardball at home. It’s rooted in the classic power struggle that comes from learning to share a life together. Couples get so caught up in claiming their space on the lifeboat that they are willing to win at each other’s expense. Only problem is, that parting shot just put a hole in the lifeboat they’re sharing.

Consider the principle of “win-win or no deal,” articulated by Stephen Covey in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. According to Covey, the first thing negotiators should do is seek to understand. For example, if your partner is likely to approach the coming duck season with, “I’m going hunting next weekend,” try to get beyond the facts to his real desires. Does he want that exact weekend or every weekend? Or does he want to guarantee that he’ll have the chance to spend some quality time with his buddies in the duck blind?

Now you can negotiate to a mutually agreeable outcome. “I want you to have some time at the club as well, but next weekend is that dance recital for Mary and I feel that you should be there in support of our children. Let’s look at the calendar and find the weekends that are good for everyone.”

It is from the basis of understanding that you can move through the components of a successful win-win agreement:

Desired results: not the method, but the desired outcomes and goals, the “I want

to do this because . . .”

Guidelines: the parameters we are willing to operate within. You might be willing

to give him as many as three weekends away during duck hunting season, but not

every weekend.

Resources to help accomplish the goal. You might negotiate to invest in extra

child care during the weekends he is hunting.

Accountability: What are our standards? You promise not to cop an attitude

as the weekend of hunting approaches. He promises to make sure his obligations to

the family are met before leaving town each Friday.

Consequences: He recognizes that you are due some girls’ weekends after hunting

season. You recognize that this may be tough, but you made a fair negotiation.

Be honest: Have you worked out a plan with your partner that reached this level of communication? So often, we don’t get into the detail necessary to feel good about the solutions we come to in our personal relationships. What’s needed is just this level of clarity.

Over the course of our business relationship, Martin and I have had to negotiate many things, from the correct marketing strategy for a client to our annual budget allocations. We’ve found that we do best when we:

• Are extremely clear (as in, “I do not agree with your proposed plan. We need to

negotiate”).

• Set aside a specific time to negotiate.

• Are clear about our parameters. We will absolutely not settle the deal without a true

negotiated outcome.

Covey calls this approach “win-win or no deal.” Neither of us moves forward with any plan until we have agreed on that plan.

Is there tension? You bet! Are we passionate about our positions? Yeah! But we’re in the same boat, remember? It does one of us no good to win at the other’s expense. So negotiate to a win-win, remembering that the alternative is no deal. You’ll walk away the winner–and so will your partner.