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Motivate the Team!

By: Melissa Thoma   |   04/02/2012

Managers understand that a key part of the job is motivating their staff to perform at the highest level. Great leaders and managers are considered great because they have an innate ability to inspire top performance in their employees. Coaches are often judged by how they motivate their teams. Teachers are evaluated by how they motivate their students. Ever thought of the role you play in motivating your family?

When was the last time you really thought about how you might motivate your significant other to reach his or her highest potential? Too often we major in the minors and get caught up in the routine at home—failing to practice the art of motivation while focusing on criticism or just plan inattention.

In a Newsweek commentary on the characteristics of winning teams, Jack and Suzy Welch write that attaining the highest performance from the team requires relentless coaching of middling performers and constant praise and reinforcement of star performers. I really like this concept for families. (The Welches also advocate that the best thing the leader can do for chronic underachievers is help them find the door; this strikes me as a poor practice for families!)

Let’s look at coaching/training. If there is one thing my husband and I have learned through business ownership it is that we can’t always just do it ourselves. We’ve learned we can take all kinds of time and resources teasing out how to improve our performance in some area—or we can bring in a great coach with the resources and experience to train us more efficiently. We’ve brought that concept to the homefront as well. A couple of years ago, Martin was suffering from “multi-task-ism”. You know that disorder. You have lost all ability to focus because you have been subject to constant interruption from multiple sources. While this was affecting his work life, it was really creating issues at home where he always seemed to need to work rather than rest. He was distracted and unable to be fully present for our family.

I encouraged him to seek some mindfulness activity and he chose to take the six-week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course pioneered by Jon Kabat Zin. That course was almost immediately helpful. And when he felt himself slipping earlier this year, he went right back for a refresher course.

I find that physical training helps motivate me and provides balance in my life. When I’m training for a marathon or half marathon, I perform better in many aspects of my life. I sleep better, eat better, have more energy, feel better about my body. I’m just plain happier. My husband has been a major source of support and coaching, riding along beside me on long runs, training with me for shorter races. And generally encouraging me to keep on keeping on.

Coaching or training in the form of counseling can save marriages. David Finch, the author of The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to be a Better Husband, literally trained himself to be the very best husband and father he could be by using notes—written on napkins and the backs of envelopes—as  reminders to behave in ways that were better for him and his family. He wrote things like: “Don’t change the radio station when Kristen’s singing along.” “Let Kristen shower in the morning without crowding her.” “Give the kids vitamins without asking Kristen a million steps and directions on how to do that.” He took seriously the need to train himself to be the best he could be at home. According to his website “guided by the journal of best practices, David transforms himself over the course of two years from the world’s most trying husband to the husband who tries the hardest.” It saved his marriage.

Now let’s talk about positive feedback and encouragement. Encouraging and praising kids is often so easy. It can just roll out of you as you are charmed by your child’s mastery of new skills or discovery of a hidden talent. But what about our spouse? Do you consciously try to encourage or praise your significant other daily? I think this one might be a bit harder for couples to practice. And I’m not sure why. Truth is, I’ve trained myself to pass along positive feedback from clients to our work team. I’m always conscious of the need my staff has to hear my praise. It’s really just another training opportunity at home. We need to bring that level of consciousness to our spouses and to our families at home.

My husband doesn’t know this (I guess he will when he reads this!), but when I consciously praise his efforts, he beams like a little boy! It’s so endearing, and I can see the light in his eyes. He deserves much more of that feedback from me.  And so does your significant other.

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“Recession-proofing” your marriage

By: Melissa Thoma   |   01/11/2012

We’ve all felt it—the cold chill of the economic meltdown now known as “The Great Recession.” The slow freeze of the economy has bitten almost all of us in one way or another. Some have put on their heavy winter wear and are waiting out the cold. Some have been fully exposed and suffered frostbite. Recovery is late and long, leaving us with the grim understanding that we have indeed lived through a notable event in modern history.

All this has me thinking about those periods of cold in a marriage—those times when the relationship doesn’t break under the pressure, but instead grows chilly and lifeless. A marital recession doesn’t look that different to me from an economic one.

Webster’s defines a recession as “the act or action of receding; a departing procession, a period of reduced economic activity.” And as I’ve looked back at the “recession” eras of my 28-year marriage, those thoughts seem to describe the experience to a “T.”

The act or action of receding. When we think in terms of economics we know that a drop in the Gross Domestic Product—the input vs. output value of the economy—lasting at least two quarters, signals the beginning of a recession. And isn’t that the way it goes in marriage? You notice a period when each partner just doesn’t seem to have the energy or desire to put into the marriage the kind of attention and energy that will produce real Domestic Output—comfort, warmth, excitement, concern. The pressure on families these last few years has left so many of us with little to give at home. Your home life is on autopilot; you are going through the motions. There may not be any overt conflict in the house, but you just aren’t making the little efforts you used to.

The warning signs are small. We forget to kiss hello and goodbye. We go to bed at different times or get involved in computers and newspapers and go silent at breakfast or in the evening. There isn’t really anything to pin it on, except general life strain. Yet slowly the relationship cools.

A departing procession: I like this because it reminds me of some of the most productive and satisfying times in my marriage when Martin and I were deeply engaged in building our futures. We were visioning and planning. We were working on a budget or long-term goal. These sorts of activities drove our relationship forward in exciting ways. But life often has a way of intervening and taking our focus off each other. We’re left on the sidelines of the parade, distracted by the issues of the day, and when we look up again, we can just make out the backs of the marching band three blocks ahead. We’ve fallen behind.

A period of reduced economic activity. It’s funny, but when I find myself caught in marital recession, it does feel much like a down economy. We’re not investing in our relationship. We’re not “spending” time with each other. This isn’t the time when a romantic getaway sounds tempting. I’m more likely to long for a day in bed with the covers pulled over my head.

A marriage in crisis motivates many to act, to seek counseling or make a big life change. Marital recession doesn’t tend to incite these actions. After all nothing big is really wrong. We’ve just lost our way.

And just like we reduce our spending to the level of necessity over luxury, we’re tempted to just try to get by in our relationship without the extra, intentional effort.

Brrrr.

Most economists cite two ways to fight recession, and I believe they are not bad suggestions for recessions of the marital sort: stimulus and investment. Once you’ve recognized and agreed that your relationship is receding, try stimulating progress through some invigorating and new goals and activities.

I’ve been a distance runner for ten years now. My daughter and I have trained for many races together, and I’ve always seen her as my perfect training partner. We are after all almost the same size and our pace and stride are nearly equal. However, in an attempt to keep Martin motivated to exercise regularly and prepare myself for an upcoming marathon without my daughter in town, Martin and I began training together.

We’ve been surprised by the spark this has added to our relationship. We use the running time to have deeper conversations. We compare notes on progress toward our personal goals. It’s a perfect time to ask each other for advice or support. And even though we aren’t perfect pace partners, we’ve discovered ways to overcome our differences. Martin often runs alongside me while rolling his bicycle until he has had enough, then will hop on his bike and act as my sag wagon. This little marital “stimulus” has been great for us.

Last year, we started feeling the pressure to get our budget house in order in preparation for our son’s approaching college tuition. We took a class on financial fundamentals and found that even that “stimulus” led to conversations, plans and a feeling of “together for better.”

We’ve never been great at the tried-and-true advice to have a weekly date night. But we’ve started purchasing season tickets to our theater, symphony and other local arts organizations. We find that this bit of structure “stimulates” us to make a date for dinner before or after the show.

It may not seem like much, but these little nudges back into the relationship have a big influence on the quality of the marriage.

And really investing in the relationship is key. Next fall, we’ll have an empty nest. I’m watching my friends navigate this transition with interest. Some are coming out from under their focus on parenting and realizing that they hadn’t really been investing in each other. For a few, the marital bank account has emptied. Relationally bankrupt, they are splitting up and starting over. Some are making major investments in counseling, communication and re-commitment to reclaim a healthy relationship.

Some are enjoying this time as a second honeymoon of sorts—enjoying the payout from wise investing along the way.

Recovery is possible in marital recession, but it may be slow—just like the tentative economic recovery our country is experiencing. As we move forward in 2012, my sincere wish is that we all feel the relief that comes with a healthy economy—and enjoy a wonderful expansionary period in our relationships. Especially our marriages!

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Plan Your Marriage’s Ideal Future (Part 2)

In which Melissa completes the D.O.S. with Martin

By: Melissa Thoma   |   10/12/2011

It has been a while since I wrote my last Business of Marriage column. WomenEntrepreneur.com folded in the Great Recession and we’ve been busy transitioning the column’s home to a discrete blog where I hope to provide more substance and opportunity for conversation. After we made the switch, I looked up and was shocked to realize half the year had zoomed by! I’m not sure where that time went, but in looking back to the D.O.S. Conversation I had with Martin, I was gratified to see that we have already activated a number of ideas that arose from our talk.

If you’ll recall from Plan Your Marriage’s Ideal Future, the D.O.S. Conversation is a strategy tool we use with our clients to help them plan for the coming years and create an ideal business/marketing plan to address those goals. It works so well in business, I decided I’d pursue a D.O.S. with my husband and partner.

Quick review:

“First, we ask our client to visualize in detail an immensely satisfying future for himself or herself — casting the frame three years ahead. We then ask them to inventory the greatest dangers they face in reaching this bright future. From there, we investigate present opportunities and inventory the strengths they perceive now within their current organization. As we create a marketing communications plan for clients, we define strategies to systematically remedy dangers, capitalize on opportunities and leverage strengths.”

Realizing that this sort of conversation would be a big benefit to any partnership, I conducted a D.O.S. conversation with Martin and here is what we determined:

Dangers to achieving this picture included some powerful material. Supporting and caring for our parents might put this future at risk. (A good reminder to formulate a plan with our siblings for this eventual reality.) Furthermore, as we experience an empty nest, we could grow apart rather than regain our identity as a couple — becoming “more partner, less spouse.”

We also talked about the danger associated with either of us or a child becoming sick. This exploration might not sound like fun, but we found it motivating to seriously consider measures we could take now that would lessen these risk factors.

Next, we identified many opportunities for ourselves as a couple. There will be fewer child-rearing expenses and less responsibility, as well as more freedom to explore personal interests such as traveling and writing. We love to mentor, and we foresee opportunity to be a powerful influence in the lives of young people in our area schools and universities.

Naming our strengths — including health, relative wealth and great friendships — was humbling and encouraging. Our ideal future is achievable. It is well within our ability to realize, even through the dangers that threaten to throw us off course. We just need a clear plan and path.

Now, it can be therapeutic to get all this stuff out on the table, but the real power of this work is to inspire and energize a “plan and path” for designing your own future. And that is just what we did.

Recognizing that we were likely facing a near future with parents who might need our support and care, we had substantive conversations with our mothers, both of whom are determined to live well, long and independently. Martin’s mother made some adjustments to her estate and will based on the conversation she and Martin had. My mother invested in a newer, safer car. We have a clear understanding of what they want and need from us in these later years and that gives us a sense of focus and purpose.

I know that you are thinking that Martin and I really couldn’t be much more tied at the hip as business partners, parents and spouses. But the truth is, we, like all our friends with empty nests are having to redefine our relationship. We need more than work and the kids to talk about at night. We need a sense of coupleness that will make our post child-rearing life together more vibrant. Right now, we’re training together for the St. Louis Rock and Roll Marathon for me, half marathon for him. It’s a start!

What we have really focused on is reevaluating our family budget with an eye toward the long-term…money for one more kid to get through college, for travel, for retirement and debt repayment. We’re recommitting to living debt-free, and to putting back everything we can for the future.

Inspiring—all of this forward motion really can be traced back to that D.O.S. Conversation we had while driving to a business meeting across the state. So many things in business and marriage result from deep conversation and taking the time to ask and answer hard questions.

Set aside a few hours, or catch your significant other in the car or on a plane and ask the D.O.S. questions. It’s a powerful framing conversation in business. And as I’ve just learned—in the Business of Marriage as well.

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Is Your Spouse a Happy Customer?

Columnist Melissa Thoma gives her husband a customer-satisfaction survey to find out whether she lives up to her brand promise.

By: Melissa Thoma   |   05/19/2010

We spend a lot of time here at Thoma Thoma thinking about our clients’ customers. What do they want? What do they value? How do we create and promote products and services that meet their needs and develop them into brand fans? What is the difference between a sometimes user of the product and a loyal lifetime customer?

What if I thought about my marriage that way? I guess you could say that in my marriage, I’m the product and Martin is the customer. Wonder what would happen if I asked him to complete a customer satisfaction survey? Scary thought.

We may have a binding contract to be in a relationship, but most of us understand that all contracts are breakable–and about half the time married folks take advantage of that. Perhaps taking a moment to look at myself and think about how I create value for Martin isn’t a bad idea.

So many customers rate their satisfaction with a product or service based on how well they are listened to–especially when they have a problem or aren’t happy. You get a real sense of the integrity of the company based on its response to a problem you may be having. How responsive am I when Martin is having a problem with me? When your significant other calls the customer complaint line, what do you do? Do you listen, ask questions, and acknowledge his or her dissatisfaction?

I hate to admit it, but while I’m very conscious of the impression I’m making with my clients by the way I dress, how I respond to them, and how I use my social and conversational skills, it’s really easy to completely disregard the impression I’m making at home. Those social niceties are really appreciated around the house. You know you lose a little respect every time your loved one acts like he or she lives in a barnyard. What image do I want to project to Martin?

When I think about that, I’m more jazzed about dressing up, making better conversation and minding my manners a bit more. We coach our clients every day about how to present a brand image that is attractive to their customers. Loyal customers respond. Not a bad idea to take home.

Customers generally find satisfaction in a quality product; excellent personal service or treatment; or plain old affinity for the coolness, hipness or charm of the brand. What if we asked our mates to rate us on those measures, with 1 being poor, 3 average and 5 superior? I got up my nerve and asked Martin to do that. Here are the results–and I promise I didn’t sway them. I’m happily relieved by the scores.

On a scale of 1 to 5–with 1 being poor, 3 average and 5 superior–please rate your mate on the following:

• I believe that my mate is a “quality” product/person: 5

Please comment: I don’t know of a single person who is more intentional or aware

about how her words and behaviors impact the people she interacts with.

• When I am unsatisfied with my relationship (product or service), my mate is

responsive to my needs: 5

Please comment: She is so tuned in she likely knows of dissatisfaction before I do.

In terms of relationships, she is always trying to improve the quality. That focus

certainly extends to our relationship.

• I am treated well by my mate: 4

Please comment: If I could get more breakfasts in bed and neck rubs, I would

definitely give a 5. Seriously, though, Melissa takes great care of everyone around

her–especially me–even at the cost of great self-sacrifice.

• My mate (the brand) is cool, hip, charming: 5

Please comment: Since brands are what everyone else thinks and feels about them,

this one is definitely off the charts. There’s not a bigger life of the party to go out with;

a classier woman to have on your arm; a smarter, more creative business partner; or a

more intuitive, caring, loving woman. She looks great, she takes care of herself and

she has awesome shoes. What’s not to love?

Wow! I’m blushing, but whenever I think back to a heartwarming story I heard on National Public Radio, I know that I’m woefully behind on creating marital satisfaction compared to the late Danny Perasa.

I had to pull over and stop the car one morning on the way to work as I listened to a precious excerpt from the Storycorps booth in New York City. Danny and Annie Perasa had stopped in to talk about their marriage. Turns out that Danny had left a love note on the table for his wife every single day of their 25-year-plus marriage. There was nothing too eloquent or deep–just the daily effort of writing “I love you” to the woman in his life

That story had a profound impact on many listeners, and NPR continued to cover the couple through Danny’s death from pancreatic cancer in 2006. Danny knew how to create the ultimate customer satisfaction. He knew that the customer is king (or queen, in this case). And he knew that by putting Annie first, he was assured that she would be one happy, satisfied customer for life.