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Motivate the Team!

By: Melissa Thoma   |   04/02/2012

Managers understand that a key part of the job is motivating their staff to perform at the highest level. Great leaders and managers are considered great because they have an innate ability to inspire top performance in their employees. Coaches are often judged by how they motivate their teams. Teachers are evaluated by how they motivate their students. Ever thought of the role you play in motivating your family?

When was the last time you really thought about how you might motivate your significant other to reach his or her highest potential? Too often we major in the minors and get caught up in the routine at home—failing to practice the art of motivation while focusing on criticism or just plan inattention.

In a Newsweek commentary on the characteristics of winning teams, Jack and Suzy Welch write that attaining the highest performance from the team requires relentless coaching of middling performers and constant praise and reinforcement of star performers. I really like this concept for families. (The Welches also advocate that the best thing the leader can do for chronic underachievers is help them find the door; this strikes me as a poor practice for families!)

Let’s look at coaching/training. If there is one thing my husband and I have learned through business ownership it is that we can’t always just do it ourselves. We’ve learned we can take all kinds of time and resources teasing out how to improve our performance in some area—or we can bring in a great coach with the resources and experience to train us more efficiently. We’ve brought that concept to the homefront as well. A couple of years ago, Martin was suffering from “multi-task-ism”. You know that disorder. You have lost all ability to focus because you have been subject to constant interruption from multiple sources. While this was affecting his work life, it was really creating issues at home where he always seemed to need to work rather than rest. He was distracted and unable to be fully present for our family.

I encouraged him to seek some mindfulness activity and he chose to take the six-week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course pioneered by Jon Kabat Zin. That course was almost immediately helpful. And when he felt himself slipping earlier this year, he went right back for a refresher course.

I find that physical training helps motivate me and provides balance in my life. When I’m training for a marathon or half marathon, I perform better in many aspects of my life. I sleep better, eat better, have more energy, feel better about my body. I’m just plain happier. My husband has been a major source of support and coaching, riding along beside me on long runs, training with me for shorter races. And generally encouraging me to keep on keeping on.

Coaching or training in the form of counseling can save marriages. David Finch, the author of The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to be a Better Husband, literally trained himself to be the very best husband and father he could be by using notes—written on napkins and the backs of envelopes—as  reminders to behave in ways that were better for him and his family. He wrote things like: “Don’t change the radio station when Kristen’s singing along.” “Let Kristen shower in the morning without crowding her.” “Give the kids vitamins without asking Kristen a million steps and directions on how to do that.” He took seriously the need to train himself to be the best he could be at home. According to his website “guided by the journal of best practices, David transforms himself over the course of two years from the world’s most trying husband to the husband who tries the hardest.” It saved his marriage.

Now let’s talk about positive feedback and encouragement. Encouraging and praising kids is often so easy. It can just roll out of you as you are charmed by your child’s mastery of new skills or discovery of a hidden talent. But what about our spouse? Do you consciously try to encourage or praise your significant other daily? I think this one might be a bit harder for couples to practice. And I’m not sure why. Truth is, I’ve trained myself to pass along positive feedback from clients to our work team. I’m always conscious of the need my staff has to hear my praise. It’s really just another training opportunity at home. We need to bring that level of consciousness to our spouses and to our families at home.

My husband doesn’t know this (I guess he will when he reads this!), but when I consciously praise his efforts, he beams like a little boy! It’s so endearing, and I can see the light in his eyes. He deserves much more of that feedback from me.  And so does your significant other.

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“Recession-proofing” your marriage

By: Melissa Thoma   |   01/11/2012

We’ve all felt it—the cold chill of the economic meltdown now known as “The Great Recession.” The slow freeze of the economy has bitten almost all of us in one way or another. Some have put on their heavy winter wear and are waiting out the cold. Some have been fully exposed and suffered frostbite. Recovery is late and long, leaving us with the grim understanding that we have indeed lived through a notable event in modern history.

All this has me thinking about those periods of cold in a marriage—those times when the relationship doesn’t break under the pressure, but instead grows chilly and lifeless. A marital recession doesn’t look that different to me from an economic one.

Webster’s defines a recession as “the act or action of receding; a departing procession, a period of reduced economic activity.” And as I’ve looked back at the “recession” eras of my 28-year marriage, those thoughts seem to describe the experience to a “T.”

The act or action of receding. When we think in terms of economics we know that a drop in the Gross Domestic Product—the input vs. output value of the economy—lasting at least two quarters, signals the beginning of a recession. And isn’t that the way it goes in marriage? You notice a period when each partner just doesn’t seem to have the energy or desire to put into the marriage the kind of attention and energy that will produce real Domestic Output—comfort, warmth, excitement, concern. The pressure on families these last few years has left so many of us with little to give at home. Your home life is on autopilot; you are going through the motions. There may not be any overt conflict in the house, but you just aren’t making the little efforts you used to.

The warning signs are small. We forget to kiss hello and goodbye. We go to bed at different times or get involved in computers and newspapers and go silent at breakfast or in the evening. There isn’t really anything to pin it on, except general life strain. Yet slowly the relationship cools.

A departing procession: I like this because it reminds me of some of the most productive and satisfying times in my marriage when Martin and I were deeply engaged in building our futures. We were visioning and planning. We were working on a budget or long-term goal. These sorts of activities drove our relationship forward in exciting ways. But life often has a way of intervening and taking our focus off each other. We’re left on the sidelines of the parade, distracted by the issues of the day, and when we look up again, we can just make out the backs of the marching band three blocks ahead. We’ve fallen behind.

A period of reduced economic activity. It’s funny, but when I find myself caught in marital recession, it does feel much like a down economy. We’re not investing in our relationship. We’re not “spending” time with each other. This isn’t the time when a romantic getaway sounds tempting. I’m more likely to long for a day in bed with the covers pulled over my head.

A marriage in crisis motivates many to act, to seek counseling or make a big life change. Marital recession doesn’t tend to incite these actions. After all nothing big is really wrong. We’ve just lost our way.

And just like we reduce our spending to the level of necessity over luxury, we’re tempted to just try to get by in our relationship without the extra, intentional effort.

Brrrr.

Most economists cite two ways to fight recession, and I believe they are not bad suggestions for recessions of the marital sort: stimulus and investment. Once you’ve recognized and agreed that your relationship is receding, try stimulating progress through some invigorating and new goals and activities.

I’ve been a distance runner for ten years now. My daughter and I have trained for many races together, and I’ve always seen her as my perfect training partner. We are after all almost the same size and our pace and stride are nearly equal. However, in an attempt to keep Martin motivated to exercise regularly and prepare myself for an upcoming marathon without my daughter in town, Martin and I began training together.

We’ve been surprised by the spark this has added to our relationship. We use the running time to have deeper conversations. We compare notes on progress toward our personal goals. It’s a perfect time to ask each other for advice or support. And even though we aren’t perfect pace partners, we’ve discovered ways to overcome our differences. Martin often runs alongside me while rolling his bicycle until he has had enough, then will hop on his bike and act as my sag wagon. This little marital “stimulus” has been great for us.

Last year, we started feeling the pressure to get our budget house in order in preparation for our son’s approaching college tuition. We took a class on financial fundamentals and found that even that “stimulus” led to conversations, plans and a feeling of “together for better.”

We’ve never been great at the tried-and-true advice to have a weekly date night. But we’ve started purchasing season tickets to our theater, symphony and other local arts organizations. We find that this bit of structure “stimulates” us to make a date for dinner before or after the show.

It may not seem like much, but these little nudges back into the relationship have a big influence on the quality of the marriage.

And really investing in the relationship is key. Next fall, we’ll have an empty nest. I’m watching my friends navigate this transition with interest. Some are coming out from under their focus on parenting and realizing that they hadn’t really been investing in each other. For a few, the marital bank account has emptied. Relationally bankrupt, they are splitting up and starting over. Some are making major investments in counseling, communication and re-commitment to reclaim a healthy relationship.

Some are enjoying this time as a second honeymoon of sorts—enjoying the payout from wise investing along the way.

Recovery is possible in marital recession, but it may be slow—just like the tentative economic recovery our country is experiencing. As we move forward in 2012, my sincere wish is that we all feel the relief that comes with a healthy economy—and enjoy a wonderful expansionary period in our relationships. Especially our marriages!

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Plan Your Marriage’s Ideal Future (Part 2)

In which Melissa completes the D.O.S. with Martin

By: Melissa Thoma   |   10/12/2011

It has been a while since I wrote my last Business of Marriage column. WomenEntrepreneur.com folded in the Great Recession and we’ve been busy transitioning the column’s home to a discrete blog where I hope to provide more substance and opportunity for conversation. After we made the switch, I looked up and was shocked to realize half the year had zoomed by! I’m not sure where that time went, but in looking back to the D.O.S. Conversation I had with Martin, I was gratified to see that we have already activated a number of ideas that arose from our talk.

If you’ll recall from Plan Your Marriage’s Ideal Future, the D.O.S. Conversation is a strategy tool we use with our clients to help them plan for the coming years and create an ideal business/marketing plan to address those goals. It works so well in business, I decided I’d pursue a D.O.S. with my husband and partner.

Quick review:

“First, we ask our client to visualize in detail an immensely satisfying future for himself or herself — casting the frame three years ahead. We then ask them to inventory the greatest dangers they face in reaching this bright future. From there, we investigate present opportunities and inventory the strengths they perceive now within their current organization. As we create a marketing communications plan for clients, we define strategies to systematically remedy dangers, capitalize on opportunities and leverage strengths.”

Realizing that this sort of conversation would be a big benefit to any partnership, I conducted a D.O.S. conversation with Martin and here is what we determined:

Dangers to achieving this picture included some powerful material. Supporting and caring for our parents might put this future at risk. (A good reminder to formulate a plan with our siblings for this eventual reality.) Furthermore, as we experience an empty nest, we could grow apart rather than regain our identity as a couple — becoming “more partner, less spouse.”

We also talked about the danger associated with either of us or a child becoming sick. This exploration might not sound like fun, but we found it motivating to seriously consider measures we could take now that would lessen these risk factors.

Next, we identified many opportunities for ourselves as a couple. There will be fewer child-rearing expenses and less responsibility, as well as more freedom to explore personal interests such as traveling and writing. We love to mentor, and we foresee opportunity to be a powerful influence in the lives of young people in our area schools and universities.

Naming our strengths — including health, relative wealth and great friendships — was humbling and encouraging. Our ideal future is achievable. It is well within our ability to realize, even through the dangers that threaten to throw us off course. We just need a clear plan and path.

Now, it can be therapeutic to get all this stuff out on the table, but the real power of this work is to inspire and energize a “plan and path” for designing your own future. And that is just what we did.

Recognizing that we were likely facing a near future with parents who might need our support and care, we had substantive conversations with our mothers, both of whom are determined to live well, long and independently. Martin’s mother made some adjustments to her estate and will based on the conversation she and Martin had. My mother invested in a newer, safer car. We have a clear understanding of what they want and need from us in these later years and that gives us a sense of focus and purpose.

I know that you are thinking that Martin and I really couldn’t be much more tied at the hip as business partners, parents and spouses. But the truth is, we, like all our friends with empty nests are having to redefine our relationship. We need more than work and the kids to talk about at night. We need a sense of coupleness that will make our post child-rearing life together more vibrant. Right now, we’re training together for the St. Louis Rock and Roll Marathon for me, half marathon for him. It’s a start!

What we have really focused on is reevaluating our family budget with an eye toward the long-term…money for one more kid to get through college, for travel, for retirement and debt repayment. We’re recommitting to living debt-free, and to putting back everything we can for the future.

Inspiring—all of this forward motion really can be traced back to that D.O.S. Conversation we had while driving to a business meeting across the state. So many things in business and marriage result from deep conversation and taking the time to ask and answer hard questions.

Set aside a few hours, or catch your significant other in the car or on a plane and ask the D.O.S. questions. It’s a powerful framing conversation in business. And as I’ve just learned—in the Business of Marriage as well.

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Plan Your Marriage’s Ideal Future

You evaluate dangers, opportunities and strengths for your business. Why not apply those principles to your marriage?

By: Melissa Thoma   |   12/24/2010

In our brand-marketing business, we are keenly aware that in order to maintain relationships with our clients we must continually create value that helps them advance, grow and meet their goals. To define “value,” we’ve come to rely on The D.O.S. Conversation (Dangers, Opportunities and Strengths) tool from Dan Sullivan’s entrepreneurial development program.

But can this practice be used in our personal lives as well?

First, we ask our client to visualize in detail an immensely satisfying future for himself or herself — casting the frame three years ahead. We then ask them to inventory the greatest dangers they face in reaching this bright future. From there, we investigate present opportunities and inventory the strengths they perceive now within their current organization. As we create a marketing communications plan for clients, we define strategies to systematically remedy dangers, capitalize on opportunities and leverage strengths.

I was reviewing a recent D.O.S. conversation with a client when I had a small epiphany — about my life partner, Martin. “I should be highly motivated to add value to his life and help him create his best future,” I thought. “Why don’t I have a D.O.S. conversation with him?”

Making it Personal

So on a recent business trip, I took advantage of a few spare hours I had alone in the car with Martin and conducted the D.O.S. interview. Martin described an ideal future in which there were no vestiges of The Great Recession in our business. We had the resources to travel, save, grow and otherwise feel free of cash-flow stress. We had partners at Thoma Thoma who were sharing the load of ownership and creating space for Martin to write another book and for me to complete my first one. Martin described himself meeting the emotional and physical needs of our family. We’ll be empty nesters and out from under most of the expenses related to college.

Dangers to achieving this picture included some powerful material. Supporting and caring for our parents might put this future at risk. (A good reminder to formulate a plan with our siblings for this eventual reality.) Furthermore, as we experience an empty nest, we could grow apart rather than regain our identity as a couple — becoming “more partner, less spouse.”

We also talked about the danger associated with either of us or a child becoming sick. This exploration might not sound like fun, but we found it motivating to seriously consider measures we could take now that would lessen these risk factors.

Next, we identified many opportunities for ourselves as a couple. There will be fewer child-rearing expenses and less responsibility, as well as more freedom to explore personal interests such as traveling and writing. We love to mentor, and we foresee opportunity to be a powerful influence in the lives of young people in our area schools and universities.

Naming our strengths — including health, relative wealth and great friendships — was humbling and encouraging. Our ideal future is achievable. It is well within our ability to realize, even through the dangers that threaten to throw us off course. We just need a clear plan and path.

Charting the Course

That is the next step in the D.O.S. Conversation. Sullivan suggests that while the conversation itself is valuable and insightful, the resulting plan and path derived from this wealth of material are the vehicles that truly deliver value to the relationship.

I’ve seen the excitement in the eyes of our clients as they receive our suggestions for achieving their ideal futures and overcoming the obstacles to their business success. My goal is to provide such a plan and path to Martin and see how he reacts to my thoughts.

I have to admit that this exercise has inspired me to think deeply about my marriage and my future as Martin’s wife. It’s easy after 27 years to go on autopilot. What’s working keeps working, and what isn’t working gets pushed under the rug. The risk is that any danger trigger can send the ugly stuff shooting out from hiding and morph it into a monstrous, deal-breaking issue.

The structure of the conversation gave us a reason to stop long enough to evaluate our life situation. The plan and path can give us the impetus to act on the material that we know is important but doesn’t feel urgent.

I’ll share my plan and path with Martin and report the results to you in my next column. Based on my initial experience, I can recommend the D.O.S. Conversation as a valuable tool for any partnership — marriage included.

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Marriage By Memo

You put everything on paper and assign action items at work. Why don’t you do that with your family at home?

By: Melissa Thoma   |   10/15/2010

In business, 90 percent of success boils down to clear communication. The quality of communication between customer and company predicts the quality of client service. We rely on accurate communications to make agreements, give instructions, strike deals and negotiate compensation. The wheels of any organization can fall off if communication gets bungled, boggled or blown.

Most of the verbal exchanges made in the business environment are reiterated or enhanced by written communications. I give verbal instructions to my teammates regarding client feedback and then follow up with an e-mail. After our weekly client meetings, we follow up immediately with action items detailing agreements, accountabilities and deadlines. We shake hands over a contract we’ve initialed. We take notes during a meeting and then distribute those to the group afterward. We do all of this because we understand that clear communication makes the wheels go round. Without it, we’re out of a job.

So just how important is clear communication in a marriage or long-term relationship? A column by Thom W. Conroy says it well: “In any relationship, the cornerstone of understanding another human being lies in the ability to communicate and, lacking this, a relationship is superficial in nature at best.” Since marriage is no “superficial relationship,” I’m on solid ground claiming that clear communication is an absolute imperative.

So why don’t we take another page from the playbook of business and bring more written backup into our marriages? Wouldn’t that take us far in increasing clarity and understanding?

When you sit down to talk about something important with your partner, how often do you take notes? As I think about this, I’m struck by my completely habitual note-taking during any business conversation. I walk around Thoma Thoma with a small orange notebook (because orange makes me happy) and scribble notes about every conversation I have. And it’s a pretty good thing, because more often than not, I find myself returning to those notes to clarify a detail or date that slipped my mind — or to see if I promised to do something I have now forgotten. It’s a lifesaver. I think my larger-than-wanted posterior is due to the extremely effective way my note-taking covers my backside.

But at home, I rarely take notes. I rely on my perimenopausal brain to remember everything (which is dangerous). And without that pen-to-paper effort, I just might not be listening quite as carefully to what Martin is saying.

Have you ever written up a contract with your child? Funny — we negotiate with our kids all day, every day, to greater or lesser effect. But if you have ever drafted a written agreement about, say, use of the car or the weekend curfew, you might have noticed that those agreements seem to stick more often. They do in my house, anyway. And it’s hard for a preadolescent to argue that he or she didn’t understand that midnight did not mean “any time convenient between 12 and 1 a.m.” when you have talked through a written document and then both signed it.

At Thoma Thoma, action items are the lifeblood of the agency. A wise consultant once taught us that breakdowns at work usually happen when “you don’t fulfill a request I didn’t make.” He reiterates that true agreements require a clear request, a clear consent to the request, consensus on criteria for completion and a deadline. Action items are the written response to agreements made during meetings and interactions. They involve the action, the person responsible and the deadline. These are effective, hard-working documents that ease stress, grease the wheels, reduce conflict and clarify conversations.

Man, why haven’t I ever used action items at home? I’m thinking about this because recently I raced out of town with so little prep time that I missed any kind of conversation with Martin or my son Sam about what needed to happen in my absence and who needed to do what to cover all the bases. So I wrote a long, detailed memo to Martin and Sam and e-mailed it. Just for good measure, I printed it and posted it where they would be sure to see it . . . right on their dinner plates.

Guess what? I got home to find the printed memo all marked up. It had aided their suppertime discussion and planning for the following days without mom. It was marked up with notes about who would do what. Items were systematically checked off. Everyone was fed, clothed, washed, entertained, caught up on school and work. It was wonderful. No harried, nagging conversation between two adults who are on their way out the door for the day and really are only able to track about half of the information being downloaded. Just a memo. Sweet.

So that’s it! I’m going to start using action items to keep my boys in the know about who expects what and when. That’s just good communication.